Pilots for the upcoming 2016-17 TV season include three shows involving time travel, one about an adult woman with an imaginary friend and another starring a talking dog. This could possibly be the weirdest and greatest collection of shows in the history of TV.

With so much absurdity to check out, it’s tough to tell if any of these babies are worth watching. I’m here to help. Here’s my thorough and highly critical analysis of all the pilot trailers from this year’s May Upfronts, after which all TV pilots go on to live or die.


Imaginary Mary (ABC)

Premise: “An imaginary and fictitious being named Mary reappears in front of her now grown-up creator from her childhood, a single public relations executive who has fallen in love with a single father of three children, in the hopes to guide (or misguide) her.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Jenna Elfman, Rachel Dratch

A revealing line from the trailer: “Hi!”

My review: Has funny people in it but doesn’t look funny.

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Should you watch: Never.


Downward Dog (ABC)

Premise: “A struggling millennial, Nan, from the point of view of her lonely and philosophical dog, Martin. One session at obedience school already makes them realize that even at their worst they may be the best thing for each other.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? The dog.

A revealing line from the trailer: “Not to be racist, but he’s an emotional terrorist.” - The dog talking about the cat

My review: A sad, talking dog who listens to his owner have sex, destroys her life and has the voice of a depressed, vocal-fried, middle-aged man. This trailer is INSANE. INSANE.

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Should you watch: Absolutely, while high.


Making History (Fox)

Premise: “Three friends from two different centuries try to balance the thrill of time travel with the mundane concerns of their everyday lives.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Adam Pally is back!

A revealing line from the trailer: “Slave! Who brought a slave in here?”

My review: Anything with Adam Pally is me-approved.

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Should you watch: Yes, for Adam Pally.


Kevin Can Wait (CBS)

Premise: “A newly retired police officer looks forward to spending more quality time with his wife and three kids only to discover he faces much tougher challenges at home than he ever did on the streets.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Kevin James, I guess.

A revealing line from the trailer: “Actually, there’s only four.”

My review: They replaced Leah Remini on King of Queens, kept this guy, lost the old man and added a kid. Likely mediocre at best.

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Should you watch: Let’s not .


Star (Fox)

Premise: “Three talented singers, desperate for a new start and with ambitions of stardom, navigate the cut-throat music business on their road to success.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Queen Latifah, Lenny Kravitz, Miss Lawrence from Real Housewives of Atlanta

A revealing line from the trailer: “Damn, girl. You straight off a page of Vogue.”

My review: It’s a far less campy Empire, Nashville hybrid.

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Should you watch: One episode.


Conviction (ABC)

Premise: “Lawyer and former First Daughter Hayes Morrison is about to accept a job offered from her sexy nemesis, NY District Attorney Wayne Wallis, to avoid jail time for cocaine possession and avoid hurting her mother’s Senate campaign.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Who are these people?

A revealing line from the trailer: “What the hell?”

My review: They used the phrase “sexy nemesis” in the description, so not interested.

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Should you watch: Nah.


Son of Zorn (Fox)

Premise: “An animated warrior from a faraway island in the Pacific Ocean returns to Orange County, CA, to win back his live-action ex-wife and teenage son.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? The woman who plays the VP Susan on Scandal

A revealing line from the trailer: “By the way I’m Zorn.”

My review: Zorn is a...cartoon warrior who wants to...groom his...human son...into a...warrior. This is a...Thor parody?

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Should you watch: A hard no.


Bull (CBS)

Premise: “Inspired by the early career of Dr. Phil McGraw, Michael Weatherly stars as Dr. Jason Bull. Brilliant, brash and charming, he’s the ultimate puppet master combining psychology, intuition and high tech data to learn what makes jurors and the accused tick.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? No.

A revealing line from the trailer: “Absolutely.”

My review: Has humorous vibes and could be a cool glimpse at the complexities of the legal system.

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Should you watch: Yeah.


Notorious (ABC)

Premise: “A provocative look at the unique, sexy and dangerous interplay of criminal law and the media.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Literally no one notorious.

A revealing line from the trailer: “I need you in the chair now!”

My review: The dynamics between a powerful news producer and a hot lawyer has the makings of something juicy and watchable.

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Should you watch: Yes, support media.


The Good Place (NBC)

Premise: “An ordinary woman who, through an extraordinary string of events, enters the afterlife where she comes to realize that she hasn’t been a very good person.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Kristen Bell, Ted Danson

A revealing line from the trailer: “There’s been a big mistake.”

My review: Kristen Bell will likely make this work, and the afterlife concept hasn’t been explored as much as it could be on network TV.

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Should you watch: Yes.


The Rocky Horror Picture Show (Fox)

Premise: “Sweethearts Janet and Brad stumble upon flirtatious mad scientist Dr. Frank-N-Furter’s bizarre abode during his annual Transylvanian science convention.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Laverne Cox

A revealing line from the trailer: “How nice.”

My review: We’re in store for an amazing Laverne Cox performance.

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Should you watch: Yep.


No Tomorrow (CW)

Premise: “When a risk-averse, straight-arrow procurement manager at an Amazon-like distribution center falls in love with a freewheeling man who lives life to the fullest because he believes the apocalypse is imminent, to comedic and poignant results they embark on a quest together to fulfill their individual bucket lists.” (via EW)

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Anyone in it that I care about? Nope.

A revealing line from the trailer: “Can I get mine dipped in E. coli?”

My review: The CW audience will probably eat it up.

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Should you watch: If you’re under 18.


Frequency (CW)

Premise: “Follows a police detective in 2016 who discovers she is able to speak via a ham radio with her estranged father (also a detective) who died in 1996. They forge a new relationship while working together on an unresolved murder case, but unintended consequences of the ‘butterfly effect’ wreak havoc in the present day.” (via EW)

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Anyone in it that I care about? Mekhi Phifer

A revealing line from the trailer: “2016.”

My review: Getting bored with this trend of eerie time travel shows about irreparable relationships. The past is gone!

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Should you watch: Not in this lifetime.


American Housewife (ABC)

Premise: “A confident, unapologetic wife and mother of three, raises her flawed family in the wealthy town of Westport, Connecticut, filled with ‘perfect’ mommies and their ‘perfect’ offspring.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Probably not.

A revealing line from the trailer: “It’s my Spanx.”

My review: Can’t relate.

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Should you watch: No, save yourself.


This Is Us (NBC)

Premise: “This refreshingly honest and provocative series follows a unique ensemble.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Mandy Moore, Sterling K. Brown from The People v. O.J. Simpson

A revealing line from the trailer: “Screw you.”

My review: The gist of this show is that all of these people share the same birthday and that’s supposed to be FASCINATING.

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Should you watch: Skip.


Man With a Plan (CBS)

Premise: “A contractor, whose wife goes back to work, starts spending more time with his kids and discovers the truth every parent realizes: his little angels are maniacs.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Matt LeBlanc

A revealing line from the trailer: “I’ve literally never been thirstier.”

My review: This might be okay by family show standards and features our third or fourth favorite Friend.

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Should you watch: Still, nah.


Lethal Weapon (Fox)

Premise: “The iconic cop duo Riggs and Murtaugh are back in the all-new FOX Series LETHAL WEAPON. Don’t miss them as they work in a crime-ridden modern-day LA.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Damon Wayans Sr. if you’re over 50.

A revealing line from the trailer: “This man is out of his mind.”

My review: Looks unfunny, unnecessary and terrible. No need for a reboot.

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Should you watch: Do miss it.


The Exorcist (Fox)

Premise: “Two very different priests tackle one family’s case of terrifying demonic possession.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Geena Davis

A revealing line from the trailer: “There are things going on in the house...in my house...there are voices...inside the walls.”

My review: We don’t need this and I don’t like scary things.

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Should you watch: Avoid it.


Timeless (NBC)

Premise: “Abigail Spencer, Matt Lanter and Malcolm Barrett star as a team chasing a criminal intent on destroying America through time.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Nope.

A revealing line from the trailer: “You need to come with me.”

My review: Feels like one of those Netflix movies you give three stars out of sympathy.

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Should you watch: One episode.


Designated Survivor (ABC)

Premise: “Tom Kirkman, a lower-level cabinet member unexpectedly becomes president after a devastating attack on Washington.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Kiefer Sutherland

A revealing line from the trailer: “Sir, you are now the president of the United States.”

My review: You thought Kiefer Sutherland couldn’t play anyone but a Jack Bauer-esque character, but you’re wrong. He’s playing the president.

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Should you watch: Yes.


MacGyver (CBS)

Premise: “A secret agent unlike any other, MacGyver escapes perilous situations with nothing but a paper clip, his trusty knife and his wit. A dynamic reimagining of the hit TV series, this action packed origin story follows a young hero as he undertakes missions to save lives and change the world.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? No.

A revealing line from the trailer: “Anyone have any bubblegum?”

My review: The son of MacGyver is just as crafty as MacGyver and looks like a surfer Robert Pattinson.

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Should you watch: No. All of MacGyver’s tricks can now be found on Google or Lifehacker.


Still Star-Crossed (ABC)

Premise: “A period drama from Shondaland, picks up where the famous story of Romeo and Juliet ends, charting the treachery, palace intrigue and ill-fated romances of the Montagues and Capulets in the wake of the young lovers’ tragic fate.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Nope.

A revealing line from the trailer: “No, my lord. I will not.”

My review: It’s a Romeo & Juliet sequel from Shondaland. Expect insane levels of drama.

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Should you watch: Give it one episode.


APB (Fox)

Premise: “After Gideon Reeves witnesses his best friend’s murder, he takes over Chicago’s troubled 13th District and reboots it as a private police force.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? None.

A revealing line from the trailer: “Excuse me?”

My review: Don’t care. Too much going on.

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Should you watch: No.


Shots Fired (Fox)

Premise: “A compelling event series examining the dangerous aftermath of racially charged shootings in a small Southern town.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Sanaa Lathan, Helen Hunt, Tristan Wilds

A revealing line from the trailer: “We’re very sorry for your loss.”

My review: Potential for excessive melodrama, but it’s directed by Gina Prince-Bythewood (Love & Basketball). I’ll give it a chance.

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Should you watch: Yes.


Powerless (NBC)

Premise: “Shows how an insurance company deals with destruction left by DC Superheroes.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Vanessa Hudgeons, Dude from Community

A revealing line from the trailer: “I have proof.”

My review: I dig the concept but looks like it could be poor execution.

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Should you watch: Sure.


Pure Genius (CBS)

Premise: “A young silicon valley tech titan enlists the aid of a veteran surgeon with a controversial past in establishing the high tech hospital of the future.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Ah yes, Dermot Mulroney...

A revealing line from the trailer: “CT scans. MRI.”

My review: Is this like House set in Silicon Valley?

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Should you watch: Probably not.


Prison Break (Fox)

Premise: “Clues surface that suggest a previously thought-to-be-dead Michael may be alive. Lincoln and Sara, Michael’s wife until he was assumed dead, reunite to engineer the series’ biggest escape ever.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Wentworth Willer

A revealing line from the trailer: “There’s only one way to find out.”

My review: This is different from the original Prison Break, where Michael Scofield tried to break his brother out of prison, because this time his friends have to break him out of prison.

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Should you watch: If you were a Prison Break fan.


The Great Indoors (CBS)

Premise: “An adventure reporter must adapt to the times when he becomes the boss to a group of millennials in the digital department of a famous outdoor magazine.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Joel McHale, Christopher Mintz-Plasse

A revealing line from the trailer: “This is our social influencer Emma.”

My review: Aha, a show that makes fun of the internet and how magazines are ancient. Could work.

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Should you watch: For sure, but beware there’s a laugh track.


Time After Time (ABC)

Premise: “Famed science fiction writer H.G. Wells is transported to modern day Manhattan in pursuit of Jack the Ripper. Once H.G. arrives in New York City, he finds a world he never thought possible and a young woman who captivates him.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? You know everyone in it, just not yet.

A revealing line from the trailer: “Are you really H.G. Wells?”

My review: Yet another time travel show that looks way too convoluted.

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Should you watch: No.


The Mick (Fox)

Premise: “Follows Mackenzie a brash, two-bit hustler from Rhode Island who must assume guardianship of her sister’s three high-maintenance children.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Nah.

A revealing line from the trailer: “My Uber’s here so I’m out.”

My review: It’s a fish-out-of-water story about rich people.

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Should you watch: Pass.


Speechless (ABC)

Premise: “Maya DiMeo (Minnie Driver) is a mother who is willing to do anything for her family. Her son, JJ (Michah Fowler) has cerebral palsy and she will fight for justice in order to give him what he deserves.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Minnie Driver

A revealing line from the trailer: “We’re moving!”

My review: Seems like a heartwarming and real family drama with a bit of humor and original subject matter.

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Should you watch: To feel good about yourself for watching, yes.


Pitch (Fox)

Premise: “Tells the emotional story of Ginny Baker who became the first woman to play Major League Baseball.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Nope.

A revealing line from the trailer: “Get me out of this goddamn game.”

My review: Everyone’s all like, wow a girl. It’s a big deal.

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Should you watch: Yes, check it out.


Training Day (CBS)

Premise: “Based on the hit feature film, this crime thriller begins 15 years later when an idealistic young police officer is appointed to an elite squad of the LAPD and he is partnered with a seasoned yet morally ambiguous detective.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Bill Paxon?

A revealing line from the trailer: “Nice shoes.”

My review: Why do people keep making TV shows based on movies? Dozed off watching the trailer.

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Should you watch: Nope.


Midnight Texas (NBC)

Premise: “It’s Twin Peaks meets True Blood in Midnight, Texas; a remote town where your neighbor could be a vampire, a witch, a werewolf, or even an angel.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? No.

A revealing line from the trailer: “Hey, grandma.”

My review: Crime, country people, pitchforks, vampires, occult.

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Should you watch: I’m not, but you can.


Marlon (NBC)

Premise: Not yet listed on NBC’s site. According to THR, it’s loosely based on Marlon’s life and “centers on an inappropriate but loving father committed to successfully co-parenting with his polar opposite ex-wife.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Marlon Wayans, Essence Atkins?

A revealing line from the trailer: “White people are genetically predisposed to fear black people.”

My review: This is about what happens when Marlon from The Wayans Brothers show grows up and has a family.

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Should you watch: The answer is, as he says in the trailer, “Aw hell no!”


Great News (NBC)

Premise: Not yet listed on NBC’s site. From The Hollywood Reporter: “Inspired by the life of Tracey Wigfield (30 Rock), the comedy centers on a mother-daughter relationship that is challenged when an overly involved New Jersey mom interns at her daughter’s workplace, a cable news network.”

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Anyone in it that I care about? Not really.

A revealing line from the trailer: “Oh, you do not suck, you are a good little journalist.”

My review: Quite a few shows about the media this season. Huh.

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Should you watch: Skippable.


Show descriptions via YouTube, network sites, IMDB