All images via Getty.

Fox aired the 2016 Teen Choice Awards on Sunday night. I tried to watch but John Cena was hosting and it was bad; also, The Night Of. Apparently, there was a fracas about whether the results were rigged which, of course they probably were; they always are at awards shows whose program is based on what celebs they can get to actually show up.

Advertisement

But I love the Teen Choice Awards, because each year it affords me the opportunity to learn about how many YouTube stars I feel good about not knowing, and hot new Freeform shows I should potentially be watching. Also, because I like knowing what actual Teens are wearing to awards shows, before they are hypothetically vultured upon by boring stylists. (Of course, many of these people do have stylists, but there’s more leeway when you’re dressing a 12-year-old who maybe doesn’t have to like, satisfy a Dior contract.) As it turns out, there was so much good, even on the not-teens, such as Jessica Alba, above.

Here are my top choices for absolute best dressed of the evening. Chanel Iman may seem like she has an unfair advantage on account of being a supermodel and, well, yeah. But she’s also bold enough to bust out a satin skirt with a leg slit and a webbed crop top, so don’t discount it. Chloe Luksiak is rocking maybe the only J. Scott Moschino stuff I’ve liked so far, a Max Headroom-inspired cartoon suit from the Fall 2016 men’s collection, and looks great. Jenna Ortega is about as natural as can be in that cute Daisy Duck shift and Adidas shelltoes, while Rowan Blanchard, one of Jezebel’s fave intersectional feminist 14-year-olds of all time, is also giving the cutest look of the night, a full-on Miu Miu denim duster look that’s chic, fun, and perfect for the event.

Camryn’s grunge-inspired party look is both casual and attainable (cute satin dragon bomber); Ella Anderson figured out how to do super-feminine party girl with an edge by age 11, which is more than I can say for myself even now to be honest; Kylie Bunbury’s understated, criss-cross neutral looks great.

Landry Bender’s chartreuse shift dress and sparkly heels prove that The Trend isn’t so bad, Ellie; Lea Michele’s matching crop and skirt are summery and cool; Shelley Hennig pulled off a hyper-floral party dress by keeping the rest pretty minimal.

The Pretty Little Liars have coordinated! Ashley Benson, Lucy Hale and Shay Mitchell each showed out in super-sparkly party frocks, in Kors, Azzaro, and Just Cavalli respectively.

Cat Deeley is straight-up cool mom in this denim ‘70s-inspired dress; Chandler Kinney’s a virtual cupcake in ice-blue satin; Janel Parrish is giving me a little tinge of Appollonia and Kat Graham is maybe wearing a Marimekko couch.

Sarah Hyland is maybe feeling patriotic today; Victoria Justice, who cohosted with John Cena, is in Versace, but in this case it’s pronounced Versayse. Maddie Ziegler’s sensible romper is by Christian Siriano who I have grown to love, but the embroidery on this is giving me very “garden wedding mother of the bride,” sorry Maddie.

I will never tire of fancy pants on the carpet. Jessica Alba’s wavy two-piece is cute and fresh, while Chelsea Kane kept it more businesslike with pinstripes. Laverne Cox is a full-on disco queen in hers, and I want to give her a dancefloor award just on general principle.

Emeraude Toubia’s blazer dress could use a little more fitting, but overall I like the theme; Gina Rodriguez is doing old-timey pastor chic with the business, but most importantly let’s give her props for the new hair. Keke Palmer’s shimmery jumpsuit is a companion piece to Laverne’s Studio 54 zone, and Sofia Carson’s overall steez is perfect—the topknot with the crimson suit—though I would have lost the chain.

Some guys were there, with mixed results! Young August Maturo is straight up a Hamptons real estate mogul on his third mocktail and I’m feeling it; Cameron Monaghan is a terrific actor, but I am not sure about the confluence of neutrals in this look; John Stamos is the coolest cool-dad who ever cool-dadded; Harry Shum Jr., who I recently discovered exists (as of 30 seconds ago) and is now my new theoretical boyfriend (with apologies to his wife), looks cool and casual even with the sort of slouchy-boot situation that feels very L.A. to me.

Jason Derulo, why are you doing this to me! I love an all-white look, but it’s like Biebs in the Who Framed Roger Rabbit? universe. Charlie Puth, why are you doing this to me? I actually think that jacket is super buttery and fresh, but in general, Charlie Puth, why are you doing this to me. America, why are you doing this to me! Story time: back in 2006 when my job at MTV was to interview people after they got off TRL, I spoke to a number of young bands who were being pushed by their labels/money/corpo deals into rotation without much on-the-ground appeal other than some marketing person thought they would do well with young women. For example: In 2016, I couldn’t name a Red Jumpsuit Apparatus song from that era and maybe that’s my bad, but I sure as hell interviewed them. Anyway, Ross Lynch is from a band called R5 and it’s probably also my bad that I don’t know shit-all about them after two albums (nor has the Jezebel staff; I polled them), but it reminded me of that. His outfit is fine. Also, I like Tahj Mowry’s blazer.

The most important thing to remember is that, rigged or no, the Teen Choice Awards are a family affair. Kimmy Gibbler, DJ Tanner and Stephanie Tanner showed, still inseparable after all these years; their ensembles say to me “we’re glad to be here but don’t wait up because mommy’s going to the club after this shit.” The club is Christian. Ne-Yo and Crystal Renay look super happy with their new baby and I am interested in his ombre/gradient dress shoes. Did you know that Gordon Ramsay has like, an entire family? Honestly, it never occurred to me! Apparently, two of his kids are not pictured; here he is with his wife and two teen daughters, one of which looks super cute and playful in a sundress and bright blue lips.

Advertisement

Advertisement

Until next time... Who?