Rihanna is the most important millennial of our time. The Rihanna Rihport is where we breathlessly chronicle the magnitude of her lived existence.

RIHANNA, JULY 2—In the United States, citizens are celebrating Independence Day weekend, a date which commemorates the signing of the Declaration of Independence and the liberation of Americans from the British, as well as the release from oppression and the DROP DATE for the NEW RIHANNA VIDEO, Y’ALL!

Advertisement

AHHHHHHHH! Ever since Thomas Jefferson told us about the imminence of #R8 and a messiah who would one day come to embody the American dream more flawlessly than even he could imagine, treasure hunters and truthseekers have made it the work of their lives to discover the savior’s identity; both Nicholas Cage and the author of The DaVinci Code are among those who have spent countless resources to reveal this precious glory.

But for the last 239 years, it has been a fruitless effort, because the entire time, RIHANNA was RIGHT IN FRONT OF US! Maybe people didn’t understand, because she is Bajan and a woman and these efforts are always a little bit tinged by a colonial Judeo-Christian ideal that the savior will be white and male and born in the US, but it is just so obvious that Rihzus is the embodiment of perfection and a TRUE American savior and REVOLUTIONARY, just like our founding fathers, because just LOOK at the way she kidnaps a rich monarch-style person in this video and redistributes the money to her homegirls from the BLOCK! If that is not a personification of all the ideals this nation was founded upon, I don’t know what is! Actually, you know what, fuck the half-hearted voting we’re all gonna do in 2016, Rihanna for PRESIDENT! Now THAT’s a candidate I can GET behind!

NAVY! Let’s talk about what is going on in this “Bitch Better Have My Money” video, aka the greatest thing to happen this year, am I not wrong?!

Advertisement

First, Rihzus Christ aka our Lord and SAVIOR takes the rich white woman on the ride of her life, definitely the most fun she’s had in ages, which is going on a ROAD TRIP with Rihzus and her cool friends! We should all be so lucky! And they are nice kidnappers because after they shake the lady down for info they take her on a YACHT trip, which would have been fun except the hostage woman is corny and gets seasick which clearly BORES Rihanna for obvious reasons. Someone should have told that lady about SEA BANDS, Amirite?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Also, Rihanna wears black and white penny loafers with a clear tongue and lucite heels and they are the shoe equivalent of preppy French diamonds, just like the only things that should EVER grace Rihzus’s precious feet! AHHHHH!

At first the hostage is acting weird but then when she ends up at a slumber party in a Motel 6 she is just SO happy to have a good time with these fun women! They do her hair and put on her lipstick and share with her their bong! It’s repudiation of exclusionary white-womaning and also a repudiation of the television show Hannibal by using Dexter tactics to slaughter the guy who plays Hannibal and IT IS EV-E-R-Y-THINNGGG!!!

Also, this week, Rihzus got a dog!

Pepe looking flawless!

His name is Pepe and he is flawless, not to mention he is the LUCKIEST dog in the world and imagine being a tiny puppy where the person who carries you around all the time is RIHANNA! Dogs have very sensitive noses and Rihzus smells like UNICORNS!

Also, “Bitch Better Have My Money” is already SO IMPORTANT that Yo Gotti and Young Thug were like “’Bitch Better Have My Money’ is so important that we have to make a song about it, because it is the anthem of our generation and Rihanna is our future president and queen (not that she would be a queen because she upholds the Constitution but a figurative queen) so we have to make a song honoring Rihanna called ‘Rihanna’!” And then they called it “Rihanna”!

This guy said, “Bitch better have my money like Rihanna”!

“Taylor Swift” is also mentioned in this song but we DGAF about Tay Tay because Riri is our queen (figuratively, upholding the Constitution) and also RIHZUS beats TAY TAY by 12 MILLION songs, LITERALLY!!

And then she was like TAKE THAT, TAY TAY!

This has been the RIH RIHPORTTTTTT!


Contact the author at julianne@jezebel.com.