TIDAL, Jay Z's illuminati zone for streaming internet music, launched today, and the press conference might well have been absurdist performance art, some kind of corporate-monied Fluxus play, down to the noodling saxophone soundtrack that seemed piped straight from John Zorn's brain. Or, alternately, Alicia Keys giving an incoherent, ominously positive speech that rang familiar to anyone who watched the Scientology doc Going Clear last night. THE WAR IS OVER! *FLEX BOMB*

Basically, Keys spewed some generic crap about how music truly is the universal language! Because positivity! And then she namechecked Nietzsche (IN A PRESS CONFERENCE FOR A CAPITALIST ENDEAVOR) but I'm not even really sure what she said about him because I was too mind-blown to comprehend any of it. Also, she gave this speech while basically the illuminati of mainstream music stood by, united in glory by Jay Z's enterprising nature, including Beyoncé, Kanye West, Rihanna giving Krystal Carrington realness, Madonna, Daft Punk, Jason Aldean, J. Cole, some guy, and Calvin Harris and Coldplay's Chris Martin via satellite. Deadmau5, Ye, Jay, and J. Cole looked worried (also, Kanye, I DIY'd that same shirt years ago except mine says ESCOBEDO).

This shit was señor sketchington and even Beyoncé seemed to know it. (Also, question, why is Beyoncé wearing a performance ensemble to a press conference? Just wondering.)

After Alicia Keys finished her speech and thus concluded the feeling that we were all careening down the PCH in a convertible with no seat belts with a drunk driver at the wheel, the Tidal Illuminati all went up and signed some sort of... billionaire contract?... something, on what looked like parchment, thus presenting themselves as the founding mothers and fathers of this streaming service that is happening and thus far has not proven itself to be any more successful than, say, Diddy's vanity channel Revolt. Like, I'll engage, but will it change my life? Who knows.

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Everyone was normal, even the computer people wearing the masks, but then Madonna had to go and like do something to "distinguish herself," putting her leg up on the table and solidifying her spot as the thirstiest pop legend that ever existed. Dude! Madonna! What do you have to prove! You already proved it, okay?! Good god.

All in all, it was very, very messy, while giving the whiff of those Apartments.com commercials in which Jeff Goldblum is impersonating Steve Jobs. They should have had him give the commencement address, really. Missed opportunity. Feel free to enjoy this press conference right here, and good luck!


Contact the author at julianne@jezebel.com.