Still: 47 Meters Down

Last year, The Shallows asked us to believe that Blake Lively’s life was more valuable than that of a great white shark’s. Sorry, I didn’t. Great whites are not merely a vulnerable species per the International Union for Conservation and the World Wildlife Fund, they are also vulnerable to negative media portrayals. Jaws inspired people around the globe to start pulling what they perceived as monsters out of our oceans (“the Jaws effect”). It got so bad that Jaws author Peter Benchley devoted the last 10 years of his life to atone for his portrayal of the great white as a mindless killing machine and the ecological havoc it wreaked.

“Shark representation in media, ha ha ha, you’re so ridiculous,” you might be saying right now. You stop it, I’m serious. We could afford to lose a few humans as our population balloons. Not so for the great white, which is propping up our oceanic food chain.

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So now there’s another dumb shark movie on the way, in which Mandy Moore plays some idiot that decides to go shark cage diving and the rope breaks. Sounds like she’s getting what’s coming to her, but it seems that the movie wants you to root for her. I’m sorry, I only have so much compassion to share and cage-diving human ain’t getting it. The plot seems to concern the attempt of her and her diving partner (Claire Holt) to get back to the surface from the bottom of the ocean, 47 meters down. The movie is called (wait for it)... 47 Meters Down. Here’s the trailer, via People:

I’m rooting for the sharks, the gentle giants among us. One of the most useful things you can do with your life is feed it to a needy shark, who wouldn’t want it anyway, as it’s theorized that they don’t much like the taste of human flesh and the bites they take out of us are taste tests gone awry. Mandy Moore wishes she were so delicious! Like candy? Dream on, say the great whites.

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Fuck this movie, honestly. If they kill the sharks in the end I’m gonna be so mad!!!!