Monday night was Latin night on Dancing With the Stars, which meant a lot of sex moves, fake tanner, and my dad and party captain Pitbull as guest judge.

Here are the important things that happened:

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  • Ryan Lochte and partner Cheryl performed a solidly not-good dance, in which Lochte stripped nude and was covered in neon body paint.
  • Amber Rose ran out of the practice studio crying after her partner Maksim Chmerkovisky (the elder of the narcissistic Chmerkovisky brothers) punched a mirror in rage (he should be fired).
  • Judge Carrie Ann Inaba (who I freaking love) demonstrated in her notes to Amber that she does not understand the concept of the glass ceiling: “There’s like a glass ceiling. But like, it’s glass, it’s not there. If you can break through that, it’ll be incredible!”
  • The ultra-ambitious, humorless duo of Marilu Henner and Derek Hough continues to terrorize the season with joyless ballroom dance. (For what it’s worth, I think this is Derek’s influence.)
  • Ultimately, Amber Rose was voted off, likely because she was objectively not as good as the others. But I feel for her suffering with Maks.

The Dances Worth Watching

Hot couple Jana Kramer and Gleb’s porn tango:

Calvin Johnson Jr. and Lindsay’s differently sexy tango:

And, obviously, Laurie Hernandez who lived up to her rep as Laurie Hernandez: