One of the greatest — read: saddest — dudefights of our time is that between Jack White of the White Stripes and both of the Black Keys, three fully grown and very wealthy men who can’t stop scuffing dirt at each other on the playground while we all feel intense secondhand embarrassment. Patrick Carney, the Keys’ drummer, claimed on Twitter that White, a “bully,” tried to fight him in a bar Sunday night.

White has reportedly always loathed the Keys in their entirety, accusing them of musical theft and telling ex-wife Karen Elson in 2014 to pull their kids out of a class they shared with singer/guitarist Dan Auerbach’s daughter.

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White hasn’t commented on this supposed confrontation. He has been known to do a little scrapping, getting in a well-publicized fight with the singer of the Von Bondies in 2004 and carrying on a healthy number of public feuds with all manner of folks.

A proud and very cool moment for everyone involved.

Update, September 15:

We lost interest in this for a full day, but more stuff happened:

1. Jack White told Pitchfork he didn’t try to fight Patrick Carney and furthermore that Patrick Carney should stop whining:

“Nobody tried to fight you, Patrick. Nobody touched you or ‘bullied’ you. You were asked a question you couldn’t answer so you walked away. So quit whining to the Internet and speak face to face like a human being. End of story.”

2. Carney tweeted “talked to Jack for an hour he’s cool,” and then deleted said tweet, indicating that Jack White is not cool.

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3. Jack White’s Third Man Records tweeted this poorly punctuated half-assed trucemaker:

Once again, congratulations to everyone on planet Earth who isn’t involved in this very, very sad feud.


Contact the author at anna.merlan@jezebel.com.

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Carney plays at the Outside Lands festival, August 2015. Photo via Getty Images