Can you think of anything more fun than absolutely shredding a fiery guitar solo in honor of your Supreme Leader?

Advertisement

The Moranbong Band, Kim Jong Un’s own fascism-infused girl band, is headed to Beijing for a week of “friendship performances” to distract China from the H-bomb North Korea just announced as “ready to detonate,” as well as the country’s reportedly unparalleled human rights abuses, which the U.N. Security Council (on which China has a permanent seat) is set to address on Thursday.

Relations have been rocky between the two traditional allies since Kim Jong Un came to power in 2011, especially after he conducted a nuclear test and had his uncle, who had been the main economic liaison with China, executed. But there is truly nothing some expert saxophone work by a terrified woman in nude tights can’t fix!

Advertisement

Sure, the Moranbong Band is less K-Pop, more ‘90s elevator relic from your most confusing nightmares, but Kim Jong Un doesn’t know that! In addition to “My Country Is the Best,” above, here are some more of the top hits that this multitalented group might perform to remind China that, hey, everybody loves a painstakingly choreographed musical medley with a video of armies marching in the background:

“Let’s Support Our Supreme Commander With Arms”

Tight harmonies, camouflage blouses, fighter planes, marching in place, some opening bars from the X-Files theme song, pure, naked fear—this performance has it all, and I hope President Xi Jinping gets to enjoy it.

Advertisement

Sponsored

“Let’s Learn”

A bouncing, airy jam with hints of the synagogue, this one features some especially fierce moves and a woman in a formal dress smashing the drums like she’s got a score to settle, which she probably does!

The “Rocky” Theme

Oh hell yeah! Nothing says “masculinity” like 17 blank-faced women wearing ballgowns banging out your favorite muscle jam on the violin.

Advertisement

“Our Beloved Leader”

I mean, get a load of the audience pump-up at 1:50! This seminal track is a slow-burning anthem for the ages, with a lush arrangement that is perfectly set to an edgy slideshow of fireworks and Kim Jong Un not killing people.

Enjoy, Beijing!


Contact the author at ellie@jezebel.com.