Entourage Is So Bad It Put Us in a Terrible Mood

On Wednesday, June 3, the feature length version of HBO’s Entourage was unleashed on America’s movie theaters like the cinematic equivalent of a venereal disease (hyped, preventable, and the uncomfortable manifestation of an activity—in this case, watching a weekly half hour sitcom about Hollywood dickwads—that you once thought was simple fun).

To mark the occasion, two intrepid Jezebel writers—Clover Hope and Madeleine Davies—ventured out to watch Entourage in separate theaters on opening weekend. These are their thoughts on the experience.

Clover: So I came into this Entourage movie experience having watched the entire series, mostly because my longtime boyfriend at the time was a huge fan so we used to watch it together. I will say the show was fun at first and then it kinda became the same thing over and over to the point that every episode was essentially the same—Vince and his bros try to make a movie and they fail royally, with some celebrity cameos. So I fully expected this movie to suck and…it did. The whole thing was just weirdly meta and they made a lot of inside jokes like hehe Entourage. Like, the running joke of Turtle being a successful entrepreneur. It seemed somewhat aware of its awfulness? Were you cringing through it too?

Madeleine: I was both cringing and constantly apologizing to the friend I dragged along with me. Like you, I watched the show when it first premiered and found it dumb and fun, but, by the end, all too repetitive. You can only hear “VINNY’S MAKING THE MOVIE!” and have it all work out after a series of predictable pratfalls so many times before you start rooting for them to fail, you know?

I’m not sure if the movie was self-aware (although I did find it funny that its boring and creatively empty plot hinges around Vince directing his first movie and having too much artistic integrity to change his vision to fit the expectations of the film’s bankroller). The whole thing was just so cynical. The women of Entourage, while never treated well by the show, are basically degraded to dick docking stations and the men aren’t treated that much better! If I was a guy, I would be actively offended that this is the way that Hollywood is trying to get my money. I mean, of the five main dudes (all vapid and shitty in their own way), TURTLE is the most relatable and likable. In what horrible world does that happen?

Clover: Haha! Turtle as the least gross is definitely a sign. There was a lot of gratuitous grossness, especially with Johnny Drama. They really, really played up his pussy obsession so much, it was just sad and unfunny. This couple that came in half an hour before the movie ended for whatever reason was cracking up at all the Johnny moments. I just blank-stared at the back of their heads at one point. It was hard to even be happy for Johnny at the end when he’s redeemed and finally gets his shining moment.

Madeleine: I was also seated next to a couple who LOVED the movie (when Lloyd first appeared on screen, they pointed and delightedly shouted “ASIAN” and “LLOYD” simultaneously). And you’re so right about the Johnny Drama pussy thing. There really seems to be a specific anatomy to an Entourage scene because every single one was basically:

Vince tells Ari he wants to do something crazy.
Ari gets mad.
E shrugs.
Someone makes a joke about Turtle being fat.
Drama says something about pussy.
Scene ends.

Clover: We also have to talk about Haley Joel Osment because… I couldn’t deal with him. The character itself physically revolted me. Maybe it was the dumb accent (sorry) and he’s obviously supposed to be the biggest asshole, but it freaked me out, especially the hotel threesome scene. I whispered “stop.” The best part of the whole thing was Vince’s Mentos commercial.

Madeleine: Yes! Haley Joel Osment—playing the son of the Texas billionaire (Billy Bob Thornton) who’s funding Vince’s movie—was repellent. The scene you’re talking about, when Ari walks in on him—THE LITTLE BOY FROM THE SIXTH SENSE—with two porn stars who are going down on each other (and who don’t stop going down on each other as a conversation happens around them) was where I had absolutely had it. If I wasn’t seeing it for work, I would have walked out.

But, since neither of us walked out, I suppose we should talk about the one female character who was treated like an actual human being and not a walking set of fuck holes: Ronda Rousey! Gotta say, I was kind of surprised to find myself rooting for her and Turtle.

Clover: Turtle And Ronda Rousey Should Get Married. Agreed, she was the saving grace amid all the misogyny and was very actively against being roped into their bro schemes. I wasn’t that surprised that Turtle was into her. He seems to like being challenged by a so-called dominant woman. I remember liking his dynamic with Lauren London when she played his love interest on the show.

Re: The Sixth Sense outburst, the second best thing about this movie *experience* was the aforementioned couple in my theater audibly reacting to their favorite parts. For Haley Joel Osment, the guy was like, “Oh that’s that dude from that movie.” And the woman whispered, “I see dead people…” When David Faustino popped up, the guy screamed, “Oh! That’s my dude from Al Bundy.” The cameos were ridiculous. I did enjoy seeing Common. What was your favorite—or maybe least favorite—cameo?

Madeleine: My least favorite cameo was Kelsey Grammer, but that’s just because we have history. My favorite was…Oh, god. Clover, I literally can’t remember anything else about this movie and I saw it stone sober at 5:30 in the afternoon.

Oh, wait! I also hated Mark Wahlberg! I mean, obviously he was going to be in it because Entourage is based on his life (though I don’t think Vince has ever been convicted of a hate crime?) and he’s an executive producer, but, just when you thought that the movie couldn’t possibly get more commercial, Wahlberg comes in and plugs his show Wahlburgers. Like, he literally says, “Well, on my reality show Wahlburgers that airs on A&E…” in the middle of a conversation that has nothing to do with fucking Wahlburgers.

What’s interesting, though, is that both our theaters (I really wish we could have seen this together) were filled with people who were genuinely enjoying the movie. What do you think we were missing?

Clover: I thought about you when I saw Kelsey: Maddie will love this :). Wahlberg was predictably douchey and a lot of the movie was overall predictable. As far as what I didn’t mind, a couple of Ari’s classic-Ari monologues made me giggle. I liked seeing Common on screen for a few seconds. So there’s that…

I guess it was nice that these four friends ultimately failed up in Hollywood? But Vince’s movie looked pretty terrible to me. The slow motion red carpet moment was like, Aw these incompetent dicks really love each other. Maybe it’s that those moviegoers were diehard fans who really just wanted it to be good. They didn’t take it seriously. I didn’t either and didn’t expect the plot to venture that far from the show, but it was hard to be invested in something that’s basic and oversold.

Madeleine: But if the guys love each other so much, don’t you want them to just…I dunno…fuck each other? Like everyone else—even E’s on-again/off-again pregnant girlfriend Sloan—is so disposable in this world so why not have Vince and E just GO TO TOWN on one another?

I’m also so glad you brought up Vince’s movie HYDE, a supposedly AMAZING futuristic adaptation of Jekyll and Hyde about an EDM DJ who throws magic drugs at topless girls as they dance in an underground parking garage and is best friends with Calvin Harris. The concept is so bad that it’s almost genius.

Clover: Oh yeah, that was Calvin Harris looking goofy. Most of the reviews have either been “It’s bad” or “Well, it could’ve been worse.” The whole movie should’ve been an hour and a half of them licking each other’s faces and saying how great they are, followed by a Turtle fat joke and then Ari just screams at the sky for 20 minutes. I would’ve enjoyed that! That’s a free idea for the sequel, Entourage makers. I really hope there won’t be a sequel.