We’ve seen Jaime Lannister do his share of terrible things: He shoved Bran Stark out a tower window, has had a decades-long sexual relationship with his sister and is broadly (if not wrongly) known as the most famous oath-breaker in the Seven Kingdoms. Still, nothing—NOTHING—could prepare me for yesterday afternoon when I saw him (in the flesh) walk out of an Abercrombie & Fitch in Washington, D.C., with a full bag of newly purchased clothing.

So what does a girl who is surrounded by Madeleine Davies’ things do when she sees a man with the face, body and everything else of Nikolaj Coster-Waldau? Does the girl stop and watch as he and his wife attempt to figure out D.C.’s Capital Bikeshare? Does the girl say “hello” like a normal person and tell the man who plays Jaime Lannister that she likes his show, but not his clothing purchases? No, the girl who calls herself Madeleine Davies will keep walking, the girl who calls herself Madeleine Davies will tweet, the girl who calls herself Madeleine Davies will take the train back to New York and watch the new Game of Thrones episode with bleary eyes at 12:30 at night.

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The girl who calls herself Madeleine Davies will then forget that she’s supposed to be counting deaths and naked body parts and will have to re-watch the episode on fast-forward the next morning and will still probably get things wrong.

The girl with Madeleine Davies’ face will write a recap about “High Sparrow” and say that it was all about the Starks and their concept of home—how Arya, not yet entirely hardened, clings to Needle (a gift from her half-brother Jon Snow) while letting go of everything else that she owns, how Jon Snow rejects his father’s name but clings to his principles by acting as executioner to the man who he’s condemned to death, and how Sansa—poor Sansa!— has actually returned to Winterfell to meet her new fiancé Ramsay Bolton.

The celebrity voyeur who calls herself Madeleine Davies might also talk about Margaery Tyrell—and her enviable décolletage—facing off with Cersei Lannister and how Tommen looks like such a baby and is too young to be shown with his shirt off! She will talk about the return of Ser Jorah and Tyrion’s kidnapping. The girl will talk about ALL of these things, but the whole time she’ll be thinking about the man who is Jaime Lannister and how, in real life, he’s an A&F loving basic.

Valar morghulis. Valar dohaeris.

Nudity Count

Breasts: (at least) 10. Brothel scenes make it difficult to count.

Vaginas: 1, fully merkin’d.

Penises: Zero.

Butts: (at least) 5.

Deaths

3 dead by flaying

1 dead by beheading

1 dead by scientific experiments, if we’re counting the rat.

Image via HBO.