Inside the Dramatic Tulle Wars of the Brit Awards Red Carpet

The Brit Awards took place Wednesday night in London; they are sort of like the British version of the Grammys, but with better taste and slightly less racism. Stormzy, that shining star of a grime MC, took home the awards for British Album of the Year and British Male Solo Artist. But a more competitive contest was occurring outside the venue, on its red carpet: Which of these women could, pray tell, wear the most amount of tulle, in its most voluminous form? They would, as you shall see, fight nearly to the death.

Coming for every neck: Dua Lipa and Rita Ora (whose gown was perhaps not fully tulle but approximating it with a cascade of feathers), dressed as a wedding cake and a bird, respectively. But do not turn your back on Millie Bobby Brown, who will be 35 before you know it, and knows her way around a party dress. Also, everyone carried a white rose for #MeToo, because as we all know, accessorizing is the most effective way to stop sexual harassment in the music industry.

Pants is a slang term for something crappy, as far as I understand it, in Britain, so I won’t say Pants! about any of these because I like them all. Fleur East and Rich the Kid are rocking some luxurious blue-and-white velvet situations with highly unexpected flourishes—her bustier and belt, his performance sneaker. Then there are Maya Jama and Stormzy, who are not only a stunningly beautiful set of people and real-life #relationshipgoals, they essentially matched their outfits by throwing back to the shiny-suit era. Good lord. Sometimes I just look at pics of them on Instagram and feel inspired.

Lipstick red is pure power dressing and I’m impressed at these women for syncing in the same shade of crimson. Annie Mac’s off-the-shoulder party dress is very Paradise Garage, while Ellie Goulding’s look is more posh Dynasty. Kylie Minogue is, I believe, wearing a silk trench over a slipdress, which gives the look a whole “P.I. going over to her man’s to give him a surprise” vibe. Ray BLK’s sheer top and layered ruffles have her looking like the salsa dancer emoji and it’s so fun.

Here are some things I don’t know about. Haim is going off the California deep end along with their Rodarte dresses, looking like some cult members who were driven to the edge from baby’s breath fumes. I mean, I know this is many peoples’ thing but it is absolutely not mine and also I find it kind of sus. Jess Glynne is doing so much right here: tiny sunglasses, Deee-Lite platforms, no shirt and a pantsuit that is an almost perfect camouflage in relation to her skin tone. I actually think I respect it? Katie Keight’s headpiece is very M.A.S.H.

You know who I’m never gonna be mad at? Pop stars paying homage to the pop stars that came before them, TLC and Aaliyah and all that. Ella Eyre is giving us structural brilliance in this powersuit/dress; IAMDDB went for a Lil Kim throwback jawn in full sheer; Mabel and Raye’s looks belong on classic TRL.

You KNOW I love a cool pantsuit. Chloe Howl is giving CEO vibes in that optical-illusion plaid, and Maggie Rogers’s oversized jumper in blush looks so comfortable and arty. (As an aside, Maggie was my student when I taught at NYU and now I am talking about her outfit on a red carpet, this generation truly is killing it.) Scarlett Moffatt is giving me just-got-paid and I love it, get yours Scarlett.

Here’s a pantone palette of good shades and textures. Anna Friel’s sheer number is maybe doing too much, but somehow she’s making it work; Noomi Rapace looks great in goth macramé; Pixie Lott is a real pageant queen; Tallia Storm’s dress is my FAVE, a disco ball of Dolce in the unbeatable hues of fuschia and red. I personally wouldn’t have gone that way with the hair or footwear, but sometimes you gotta tone stuff down, I guess.

Abbey Clancy is serving Courtney Love with a side of boudoir; Adwoa Aboah, feminist supermodel, looks like a delicate cotton puff; Camila Cabello seems like she wants to break out into Barbra Mandrell covers; Jessie Ware did the dang thing with a statement earring, which hand to heart is tougher and smarter to do than a statement tiny sunglass.

Alice Dellal is wearing tHEE most Alice Dellal outfit ever, and is also showing young Hailey Baldwin how to be a cool renegade model with flair. Courteney Cox was there with some guy for some reason and is wearing skinny jeans and heels, which feels heartwarmingly throwback; Rosie Huntington Whitely looks very serious and seriously in the line for the back room at Max’s Kansas City.

Icons! Baby Spice aka Emma Bunton looks cool in a trenchcoat made of tire rubber; Jennifer Hudson and Jorja Smith both look fantastic in body hugging floor-length gowns. Perrie Edwards of Little Mix is also giving us “whoopsie, I guess you can see my undies!” sheer flirtation zone. And, in case you hadn’t guessed—the winner in the tulle war is NO PANTS!