Critics agree. The Revenant is a visually and emotionally visceral film in which Leonardo DiCaprio puts himself through actual physical and mental torture. They say this movie is peak masculine grit and fortitude—the story of a true survivalist—and Leo will finally win an Oscar for Best Actor. I find that laughable.

Advertisement

Are you aware that Leonardo DiCaprio barely speaks American English in this movie? Can someone kindly explain to me what kind of “acting” this role entailed? His character litchrally spends the entire two-plus hours yelling, crawling, falling over a cliff, yelling, sleeping in animal carcass, pillaging, bleeding profusely from every pore, yelling, riding a horse, making fire, being carried around gorgeous landscapes and being attacked by a mama bear twice.

And yet, smart people are out here campaigning for this poor little rich kid to win an Oscar because he never won. Look up “perspective.” Blinded, you all are, and you lack the ability to be sharp critics.

Advertisement

Here’s a roundup of reviews clamoring for Leonardo DiCryMeARiver to win a miniature statue that’s fairly important to you folks:

“If this raw revenue western doesn’t win Leonardo DiCaprio an Oscar, nothing will.” -Telegraph

DiCaprio “is favorite to snare his first Oscar in this largely non-verbal role.” -Chicago Tribune

“Despite a few other award groups failing to offer the film the degree of recognition it deserves, I am confident the Oscars will not make that mistake, and so The Revenant will enjoy its own awards buzz on top of the Birdman linkage — the Golden Globes attention will definitely help in that regard, too.” -Forbes

Scoff. The most moving dialogue from Leo in the movie is a series of morse code grunts and you think that deserves an Academy Award. Not impressed. Underwhelmed, even. Two thumbs down.

Tom Hardy had much meatier scenes and owned his role as a deceitful bigoted frontiersman. I like him. He reminds me of a bear, so sue me (oh whoops, you can’t). Two thumbs up.

Sponsored

The undeniable standout performance in The Revenant is obvious to me. It’s all anyone’s talking about. The real hero of this otherwise C-grade dud is the BEAR who came out of hibernation to do this shit. They asked her (Yes, you SEXIST) to rip this guy to shreds and the only headlines she gets are about a completely misinterpreted bear rape scene.

I know you think that was easy for said bear (and perhaps, as a bear, I’m biased), but that’s because you don’t know what our life is like. Many of you assume it’s what bears do: Attack.

Advertisement

Advertisement

Hmm, let me ask you... on a scale of 1 to 10, how racist are you?

Secondly, are you aware how much training and restraint it takes to not kill a person? That alone should score this bear an Oscar. From a bear point of view, her attack technique, and the emotion and intensity on display was damn near flawless.

Holy crap. Do you also realize this bear is getting zero credit for her amazing role? The director DOESN’T EVEN CLARIFY that not all of that scene is CG and refuses to acknowledge that the lone reason that scene rules is because of THE BEAR’S inherent fierceness. The director (I refuse to name him) says, “it’s a combination of using the tools available to us.” What???!!! Way to diminish an Oscar-winning performance, guy. That whole scene is basically a mama bear protecting her cubs from this grungy looking white man.

Advertisement

Even if that bear is entirely fake, that fake bear deserves an Oscar way more than real Leonardo DiCaprio.


Bill A. Bear resides in a cave in the North. He cannot be contacted and probably wouldn’t respond to you anyway. Busy “attacking people.”

Image via YouTube, 20th Century Fox