What’s up, Pokémons! Sunday was the 2017 Teen Choice Awards, a magical, YouTube star-studded evening where awards are determined by who’s able to show up and TEENS reign supreme, probably while wearing Supreme.
Ignoring that most of these kids will outlive us and their bank accounts far outweigh ours, let’s goof on their (mostly) dumb outfits to drown out the rattle of ever-approaching death. YO fuckin’ LO.
Let’s start with Famous in Love’s Bella Thorne, who has almost completed her transformation into red carpet icon Phoebe Price. Pros of this outfit: Whoever did her dye job did some truly spectacular work, her sequin greyscale—similar to Shireen Baratheon—has not spread beyond her face, and her bracelets remind me of the rubber ones you’d get to show off your sexual accomplishments in high school.
Speaking of teen sexuality, singer Zara Larsson’s tuxedo jacket over the bra look (center) is very “the cops just busted me and my boyfriend fooling around in a car after prom and I need to cover up real fast.” Can’t tell you how much I hate this aging Contempo Casuals outfit on actress/singer/dancer Jade Chynoweth (left) who, despite what her stylist and makeup artist want you to think, is 18 years old and gorgeous. Also not loving Victoria Justice’s deconstructed power suit (right), but her hair and makeup are very sleek and sophisticated.
It’s hammer time for YouTube makeup artist PatrickStarrr, Riverdale’s Madelaine Petsch sports her always stunning crimson locks over a floaty meringue romper with shorts that are giving my vagina sympathy pains, and her co-star Lili Reinhart is here to let you know that your good girl Betty Cooper is gonna go bad with sheer red lace over a black corset.
Lots of dreamy florals: I want to see Paris Jackson (center right) furiously jump into a fountain to piss off James McAvoy in this 1940s Atonement-esque silhouette; Brittany O’Grady (far right) of Fox’s Star looks cute and youthful, but I do wish the dress was a little shorter and paired with a different belt (gold, maybe?); The Bold Type’s Aisha Dee (center left) takes a girlish print and appropriately woman’s it up with a a plunging neckline and good hair; This Is Us’ Mackenzie Hancsicsak (left) in this reconstructed gunny sack, but she loved her pieced together gunny sack so much that now I can’t hate it! DAMN YOU, CHILD.
Singer Bea Miller looks thrilled to be here in mango, TV host Lily Marston wears goth lingerie, and Isabela Moner is about to shake up your stuffy ballet school in her edgy tutu.
Famous in Love’s Pepi Sonuga embodies either FernGully or a Rainforest Cafe, I’m not sure which. Actress Liza Koshy looks cute in her “Beatles meeting Ravi Shankar” swing dress and athlete Amy Purdy’s sexy BDSM shoe is wasted with a boring dress.
Cat Deeley’s simple outfit is somehow more complicated than it needs to be with all those ruffles and ties; if 13 Reasons Why’s Katherine Langford (center) wanted to give me this Cleopatra-inspired mini dress now that she’s done with it, I would gladly accept; and here’s Candace Cameron Bure looking absolutely nuts in leather trousers!
DUDES. French Montana’s Coming to America jacket is aces, even if half the kids in the audience do not get the reference. Here are two brothers named Jake and Logan Paul who got famous on YouTube. 2017, y’all!
Fresh Off the Boat’s Hudson Yang is looking sharp in clean sneaks, Lonnie Chavis of This Is Us has the best accessory of the night (his cute lil tooth gap), and singer Leroy Sanchez’s outfit is a too EXTRA, but I appreciate a fella who at least tries to do something different.
Ne-Yo debuts an original twist on a classic plaid shirt, One Direction’s Louis Tomlinson fights obscurity for yet another day, and KYLE’s pose just screams. “HI I’M KYLE.”
I understand that it must be weird to be a grown adult man at the Teen Choice Awards, but Kumail Nanjiani should have gotten his jeans hemmed. He has money now! Craig Robinson looks like Craig Robinson always looks and Adam Scott is going full dad-core in a pair of New Balances.
Dance Moms’ Kendall and Jill Vertes (left) were there and (lmao) Getty labeled the photo “Kendall and guest.” Their co-stars Chloe and Christi Lukasiak (right) also made an appearance with Chloe looking as beautiful and charming as her mom looked tacky. Gigi Gorgeous (center) got a little cheeky on the blue carpet.
Singer Bebe Rexha looks like a harried dominatrix at an L.A. Confidential-themed bordello; I love a well-tailored suit on a woman, but Kalani Hilliker (also of Dance Moms) went a little too busy for my tastes; Star’s Ryan Destiny’s yellow trench reminds me of Dick Tracy’s sassy short bathrobe.
Oh my god, little Iris Apatow is looking so much like her mom, Leslie Mann! Stop growing!!! Actress/singer Katie Stevens is killing ‘em dead in a kelly green suit that I definitely want to steal, while Black-ish’s Yara Shahidi somehow manages to pull off track pants and heels.
Lucy Hale’s bold embroidered mini dress looks like a sofa, but the cool, contemporary kind that you’d buy at ABC Carpet & Home. Looking at the thumbnail, I thought Maddie Ziegler was Jennifer Lopez, something I’ll leave you to interpret because I’m not ready to do it myself.
Vanessa Hudgens’s pants are a yeast infection waiting to happen; Naya Rivera looks insane and I wouldn’t have it any other way; Supergirl’s Melissa Benoist pulls off an homage to superheroes in all leather, but I do wish the top had two sleeves instead of one.
Actress Katherine McNamara is showing off her Fembot side and I like it, while Alyssa Jirrels is sweet as can be in this poppy-colored dress (give it to me). Honestly, internet celebrities Lisa and Lena need to get the fuck outta here with this Shining shit or I will cause a scene.
Are you getting sleepy? That’s fine because Zendaya and Star’s Jude Demorest came in their jimmy-jams. We’ll forgive them for biting Rihanna’s signature PJ look, but only because Zendaya had the best hair and makeup of the night.
Some children: Mckenna Grace, Grace VanderWaal, and...girl.
It might not be hyperbolic to say that I’d rather die than show up in this two piece Lilith Fair jawn coupled with a tattoo choker to an event full of hot teens, but Entourage’s Perrey Reeves did and god bless her for it. Going the more conservative route: It’s Always Sunny’s Kaitlin Olson and Lori Loughlin from Full House both in boring lace minis.
I’ll admit it: Rita Ora’s dress looks like something Sharon Stone would wear in Casino and I love it. If Stranger Things’ Millie Bobby Brown YouTuber Rickey Thompson aren’t in a Bell Biv Devoe cover band yet, they really should consider it. This acting thing won’t last forever, you know!
And who could possibly forget the King of the Teens:
Just kidding, I’m talking about Lil Yachty.
Gonna go dunk my head in Retinol now.