Rating Every Great (& Shitty) Soundcloud Remix of Adele's 'Hello' So Far

Despite Adele having broken records, brains, and hearts with her new, blue single “Hello,” everyone knows that a hit isn’t really a hit until it has accrued a gaggle of dance remixes on Soundcloud, ideally half of which are no-turning-back terrible. Luckily, if there’s ever a hitmaker, it’s Adele. In this very serious hour, here is a selection.

Adele, “Hello (Paul Damixie Remix)”

I know I am in the minority when I say that I do not like “Hello” all that much—its overwroughtness is unappealing, and maybe I’m just not in the mental place in which I feel like listening to a dragging piano ballad that nearly takes for granted that it will wow you with Adele’s vocal elasticity, something we learned four years ago with “Someone Like You.” Why a redux? But my new “friend” Paul Damixie, the Romanian house producer, is something like a beat doctor and his diagnosis is sicccckkk. Clearly all this needed was some four/four and a mixologist special from a design hotel lobby. I like it now. FOUR OF FIVE HELLOS

Adele, “Hello (J Gutta Remix)”

“Hello” obviously dropped at a time when J Gutta, self-described “white boy from the hood/lotta children,” was already deep inside his feelings, because his guttural confessions seethe with Adele-levels of pain. “Can’t walk away cause it hurts too much/words hurt worse than a slap or punch.” There is also a possibility that he was inebriated, or maybe just that he has a loose interpretation of how one can ride the beat. Poetic license! Most poignant verse: “I gotta smile more/while I still got teeth.” TWO OF FIVE HELLOS

Adele, “Hello (O’l Murk Remix)”

O’l Murk appears to be a colleague of J Gutta, and boy is this crew having a bad go of it. Did they get dumped at the same time? But if Gutta is toasted, O’l Murk is just rapping about it, drowning his memories—“I think of the day we first met/you were in that long shirt dancing in your brother’s basement”—at the bottom of a liquor bottle. “I’m proud to call you ‘wifey,’ even though the word ‘wifey’ bugs you slightly,” he rhymes. There may be some hope here after all. TWO AND A HALF OF FIVE HELLOS

Adele, “Hello (LA BULL DEEP REMIX BY DJ LOOMY)”

While I appreciate the fealty to progressive house, if you’re going to call your remix “BULL DEEP,” I need you to actually go bull deep. Don’t be afraid to rinse it! TWO OF FIVE HELLOS

Adele, “Hello (Deppe Remix)”

Oooooh this is my shit. Deppe did what the best remixes do, which is utilize the original to make this song his own, an upbeat soulful house track that goes down like a cool orange julius. FOUR AND A HALF OF FIVE HELLOS

Adele, “Hello (Consoul Trainin Remix)”

Eurocentric disco is not totally my jam, but crackly synths add a much-needed edge to “Hello,” interpreting it as a multidimensional 2 AM introspection. I feel like in some very subtle club somewhere in like, Munich, some people will lose their shit to this. TWO AND A HALF OF FIVE HELLOS

Adele, “Hello (Wiwu Remix)”

I don’t know, man, this is ringing as very 2010 to me, but also I suppose we are living in a post-Weeknd world and somebody’s gotta do it. Props at the very least for channeling the sadgirl vibes into an avalanche that sounds like the movie 2012. THREE OF FIVE HELLOS