Rihanna is the most important millennial of our time. The Rihanna Rihport is where we breathlessly chronicle the magnitude of her lived existence.

DATELINE: Rihanna, November 23—IT BEGAN as just another normal week on the internet, authorities said, until one flicker changed it all, as it often does, on social media. In the middle of the night, the Bajan superstar known as RIHZUS ANNOUNCED THAT HER EIGHTH ALBUM IS SUPPOSEDLY MAYBE DROPPING THIS WEEK, SNITCHES!!!!

November 27 is the ALLEGED release date of ANTI-, which is actually making it so we cannot physically BREATHE, but the problem is, WHO EVEN KNOWS, because there is an evil overlord named Samsung that is all like “GIVE US YOUR DIARY RIHANNA” and then exposed it ONLY to followers of its cult and now we don’t know what’s up except that Rihanna seems to be TRAPPED in this HAUNTED CAGE where these DEMONIC CHILDREN are distracting her from realizing that our Rihzus Lord God Rihzus Christ has been KIDNAPPED! And maybe they won’t let her out until WE HAVE ALL JOINED THE EVIL CULT. Free Robyn Rihanna Fenty!!

One of Rihanna’s captors!!!

Here’s everything we know so far:

  • The demon overlord Samsung is using its demonic minion children to keep Rihanna in a lucid dream state while they attempt to take over the Navy through various means. Inspired by the Nicole Kidman vehicle The Others, they have trapped her in a somnambulist maze that keeps her satisfied and groggy, unable to assess what Samsung cult is actually doing.

Rih so sleepy! PROBABLY FROM THE CHLOROFORM! WAKE UP RIRI!!!!!!

  • She’s surrounded by haunted objects like this devil rocking horse, which is also hypnotizing her with its demon eyes.

NEIIIIIGHHHHHHHH, JOIN MY CULT!

  • These children may look innocent, but they are Rihzus’s personal Pinhead and Chatterer, tempting her into the dark side where her soul will be lost forever and taking her eighth album with her!! NAVY WE’VE GOT TO SAVE HER FROM THESE DEMONS IN BABY BODIES!

Don’t look them directly in the eyes!!!

  • Authorities have been able to use this ancient script from a lost and curséd people, but it’s not boding well; thus far, their meaning is classified. ARE THERE ANY ARCHAEOLOGISTS IN THE NAVY?! HELP!!!!!

ba¨r bad os lkjadfskljAE”

  • One artifact has been found, indicating Rihzus may have been led towards a secret door or vault where cult leaders are keeping her new album, but its whereabouts are, at press time, unclear. The demonic children LED Riri DOWN THAT DARK AND SCARY HALLWAY where all of them are presumed to be CURRENTLY KEPT, IN TOTAL LIMBO!!!!

Don’t open any strange doors!!!!!!!!

  • At the end of the dark hallway, Rihanna seemed to have discovered yet another overlord. Authorities believe this may in fact be the earthly manifestation of the demon king Samsung, but an investigation is currently underway.

At press time, investigators were keeping mum on leads as to the whereabouts of either #R8 or Rihzus our lost lord and goddess of the world. ARE ANY NAVY SAMSUNG CULTISTS ALSO? IF SO, REACH OUT!!!!!

ALL HAIL RIHZUS!!! FREE #R8


Contact the author at julianne@jezebel.com.

Images via screenshot/Samsung