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Rihanna is the most important millennial of our time. The Rihanna Rihport is where we chronicle the magnitude of her lived existence.

RIHANNA, SEPTEMBER 1—New developments in the situation in New York Sunday night have experts speculating on the nature and intensity of a certain relationship as the government waits for confirmed information, leading some to become TOTAL FUCKING HATERS AND LIARS!!!!

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OKAY! We don’t know if Rihanna and Drake a.k.a. DRIHZZY A.K.A. R’HAKE A.K.A. FENHAM A.K.A. AUBRYN are actually dating in real real real life because they haven’t told us and frankly even as NAVY it’s kind of none of our damn business! But if our love of the elusive and mysterious Rihzus has taught us anything it’s how to be AMATEUR SLEUTHS and follow the BLOOD TRAIL a.k.a. the TRAIL OF DIAMONDS AND RUBIES LEFT IN THE WAKE OF HER FOOTSTEPS!

And so, here is the evidence from this week, piling up like so many extremely stylish outfits that our god, Robyn Rihanna FENTY!, wears one time and discards:

SUNDAY, AUGUST 28

VMAs. Drake says he’s been in love with Rihanna since he was 22, because NO DOYYYEEEEEE Dreezballz. He goes in for the kiss. She goes in for the CURVE. SICK BURN FROM OUR LADY OF LIGHT!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 30

Fenham goes to Miami and hangs out in club Eleven. Rihanna touches his face one time. People FREEEAKKK OUT!!!! (WOULDN’T YOU, if she rested her glorious silken digits ‘pon your unwashed and unworthy visage???)

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 31

DriRi are performing together in Miami. She finishes a song. She pecks him on the lips, and they hug. People FREEEAKKK OUT!!!!

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Even though all we want for Rihanna is what she wants and if true love is what our goddess wants then that’s what we want for her, this evidence is largely circumstantial, as our friend ADA Alexandra Cabot might say! Despite it all though, today the HATERS and FRONTERS at a celebrity magazine called the New York Post published the most disgusting, blasphemous rumor that we ever did hear! NAVY, GET A LOAD OF THIS:

While Drake gave a touching speech at the VMAs,calling Rihanna “someone I’ve been in love with since I was 22 years old,” insiders say he’s actually the one who’s been holding out.

Says a source, “She’s always been into him. It’s him, not her, who has been backing off the relationship.” But now they are on the same page.

WE (DON’T) LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE!!! Navy, you and I both know that this is bullshit of the utmost order, the kind of bullshit that would make Rihzus Christ so annoyed she might delete her Instagram again! (O LO, A POX UPON ME FOR SAYING THAT UNTO THE WORLD!)

This is what happens when you become a celebrity, everyone wants to invent shit about you to make it seem like they know but mostly it’s because they are THIRSTY and trying to shift the narrative of a STRONG AND POWERFUL WOMAN WITH A DISCERNIBLE LACK OF FUCKS actually having no power in a relationship with a mushy wienerboy whose entire musical catalogue is about being a mushy wienerboy! SORRY DRAKE BUT IT’S TRUE! Celebrity “news” source New York Post, whose source CLEARLY doesn’t know anything about anything (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) is trying to make it seem like Rihanna is pining for the man who sang, on their most recent collaboration, “Let me see if this is something I can fix/You got somebody other than me” during the time she was supposedly hooking up with Lusty Leo!!! Oh pah-leeeeeeeeze, Chucky Cheeze! The rags could probably find “a source” who was willing to say on record that she’s in love with THIS COP and PRINT IT! THE MSM LIES!

EITHER THAT OR THE SOURCE IS SOMEONE FROM OVO WHO IS EMBARRASSED BY THE BLATANT DISPLAY OF THIRST BY THEIR FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Can you believe the nerve! I MEAN!

Navy! Don’t let them lie to you! Force them to put some respect on the name of the holiest deity in all of the land, the beacon of truth and wining in the club and in the home, the sole font of goodness in every commercial industry and the harbinger of spiritual purity in our hearts, ROBYN RIHANNA FENTY!!! Forever and ever a-men!

This has been the Rihanna Rihport.