Sad Dancing With the Stars Diaries is a new series in which we imagine the innermost feelings of Dancing With the Stars contestants, as written in their “journals.”

Diary— or are you just the molecules of my dreams rearranged perfectly into inky hieroglyphs?

I am Gary Busey. I am Gary Busey. I am Gary Busey.

I apologize, you know what I am. But I fear I am the one who is forgetting with each passing moment. I have had a fever for two weeks and I hallucinate things that could not be real.

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There is a beautiful angel who comes to me in my sleep. Her name is Anna. Or Alina. Or maybe she doesn’t have a name. She is from Russia. The rhythm in her body is the same as the rhythm in my body. She is a Russian Doll sent to me from Russia, with Love by my grandfather’s ghost. She is so wonderful because she is smooth and golden on the outside but has a rich inner life like a pot pie. I know this because when I look into her eyes I see just dead. Welcome to Russia!

We dance and I am King Richard and I am brave and I protect Little Russian Doll Anna. That was last night’s dream. The night before I was wearing a sparkling blue suit like I was a kind of fancy bell boy.

In these dreams I am surrounded by babies who are beautiful but also dumb. We sit on small folding chairs on a sea of red velvet for an infinite number of hours, and we stare ahead and think of the steps to the routine and what it would be like if birds staged a coup on the Government. It is fun, F-U-N fun, everything is fun to do.

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And it is an honor to be in these dreams with that pot pie doll Anna. One of the greatest honors of my life and you know I have been nominated for Oscar’s prize for acting in filmstrips.

I was in the bottom two pairs yet again with a pocket man. I knew I wouldn’t be voted away because I have a soul made of hard grey metal and a spirit made of wet sand. And that is because I eat lightbulbs like chips but also because I am sturdy. And wouldn’t you know it? I was not voted away because America loves me because we are all immortal and that is a wonderful thing to be.

Indeed, these are strange dreams. Unusual ones even for me, but I feel that I want to remain in them. If I go home, I go home, If I stay, here I stay here, it’s all part of life and the grand way of giving. But I also feel I would like to win this dancing program in my dream so that I can wake up and be happy.

-Gary Gary Gary Gary Gary Gary I am Gary Gary Gary


Querido diario,

I slept with every female cast member. Good bye, Erin Andrews. I will miss you most of all.

-Victor Espinoza


Contact the author at joanna@jezebel.com.