Sad Dancing With the Stars Diaries is a series in which we imagine the innermost feelings of Dancing With the Stars contestants, as written in their “journals.”

Hello Diary!

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It’s me, Geraldo Rivera. You got it, that Geraldo Rivera, who opened Al Capone’s vault on live television? The one who came in second on Celebrity Apprentice behind Leeza Gibbons? Oh, I don’t know, that highly-influential Fox News pundit? You’d never believe it, diary, but for the past two weeks, I’ve been trying my hand at dance. Ballroom dance.

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It is incredible to be me. Sure, I am 72 years old and, in my own words, the “only Puerto Rican who can’t dance.” But I’m a star, and it says so in the title of the show I am (was) on. When you’re a star, they let you touch whoever you want, however you want to. When I signed up for the program, I said to the producers, I said to them, “Pair me with a hot piece of meat.” And they did—they paired me with Edyta Sliwinksa, who just had a baby, but still manages to look stunning.

And did we look wonderful together. In rehearsals, I would just look at the two of us in the mirror (most of the time I would just stare at Edyta’s tight ass and great rack!) which meant that I didn’t learn most of my dance moves either week. In fact, one of the judges (I think it was Carrie Ann, who has a shrill way about her) called me out for getting distracted by Edyta’s great set of breasts during the first routine. But what can I say? I love a good pair of tits!

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The rest of the cast was great—the women were all young and supple, except for Marla Maples who is still looking gorgeous despite her advanced age (52), and the men were very nice too, although Wanyá Morris, Kim Fields, Von Miller, and Antonio Brown weren’t especially interested in shmoozing because I have said such racist things on television (which I stand behind!). I wanted to talk to The OC’s Mischa Barton (what a stunner!) but she was crying under a table for most of the taping. So when I was backstage, I mostly stood by craft services, sometimes making small talk with Jodie Sweetin of Full House and Fuller House, who seems nervous and eager to please, which was off-putting. Once, UFC fighter and fellow contestant Paige Van Zant threatened to clock me, which I found very sexual!

This week’s theme was “Latin Week,” which was great for me because I am (was) the only Latino on the show. The producers asked me, “What is a good angle? How do you want to approach the dance?” I said, “Let’s rib my good friend, Donald Trump. Sure, I have known him since the ‘70s and will support him in every endeavor and find his hatred for minorities understandable if not appropriate.

The producers said, “Okay, even though this is a blatant publicity grab with no underlying protest or significance, we are into the idea and will make it happen for you!”

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Diary, it was a hilarious blast. I dressed up as “the Donald” and Edyta dressed up as Melania, and I acted like I was President of Trump’s United States talking on the phone to Vladimir “Vlad” Putin in my Oval Office. Then, the music started and I ripped off my shirt and Edyta ripped off her luxurious fur coat, and a banner reading “Bienvenidos a México” unfurled and we did a cha cha. Sure, I was distracted by my dance partner’s beautiful body, but it felt like theater, which was wonderful.

Here I am topless, and in costume:

Ultimately, I was terrible and I was voted off. And sure, I understand that.

Still, I want to thank ABC for yet another opportunity to promote my own celebrity, and Edyta, for being a glamorous, elegant partner, and for letting me take pictures of her from behind with my iPhone in secret. I hope the kids have fun.

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Sincerely,

Geraldo


Image via ABC.