The full trailer for Disney’s upcoming live-action adaptation of Beauty and the Beast has finally arrived, and answers several pressing questions I’ve had since the film was announced, like:

  • Are they keeping what my coworkers refer to as “the creepy piano music”? Yes.
  • Would I Luke Evans as Gaston? Yes.
  • Does the candlestick still wanna fuck the feather duster? Yes.
  • Is this story about Stockholm Syndrome even more upsetting in live-action? Yes.

One throwaway line in which Mrs. Potts assures Belle, “The master’s not as terrible as he appears,” even manages to answer a question I didn’t know I had until today:

  • Is Mrs. Potts a Trump voter? Yes.

I want to lock this trailer up in a tower and never look at it again, but—by Beauty and the Beast’s logic—that will only make the trailer fall madly in love with me, and who am I to resist the attention of a beautiful piece of advertising? Guess we’re getting married.

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