The United States is already struggling to maintain any respect in the world, and now Ralph Lauren, who is always tasked with designing the USA Olympic uniforms, is trying to portray us all as Hamptons-humping WASPs just off an outing on a yacht. Well lookie here, old Gatsby, old boy, our athletes will sneer before ashing their cigars on the winner’s platform. This ceremony’s a real gas!

Rio 2016, on behalf of America: I’m sorry.

Adding insult to injury is the fact that other countries’ closing ceremony uniforms are so much better. I mean, South Korea is out here innovating fabrics, infusing their uniforms with mosquito repellant to protect their athletes from Zika; meanwhile, we got Unkie Ralph and the boat shoe brigade feckless and bare-skinned in linen freaking shortpants.

Advertisement

Great Britain got Stella McCartney and Adidas—certainly not the best design, but at least a little more restrained in its message.

France, chic even whilst sweating, is blessed with crisply preppy looks by Lacoste (and a video set to a cool electro track by The Shoes, as opposed to America’s debut on Good Morning America, of all places).

H&M designed Sweden’s looks, and while that might not bode well for performance fabrics, at least there’s a sassy shirt in the mix.

Image via H&M

And CANADA manages to best all these countries with we-mean-business suits by DSquared:

Image via DSquared

I know, I get it, the designers are chosen to “best represent” their country and Ralph Lauren is a heritage brand reflecting some small slice of uniquely American aesthetic. But you know who else is uniquely American? William Okpo. Gypsy Sport. Proenza Schouler. Even Tommy Hilfiger, people. If Australia’s uniforms are designed by Di$count Universe, I’m giving up. Everyone knows you can’t truly win unless your kit is the freshest.