Victoria Beckham Is Comedy Gold

Is Victoria Beckham the perfect woman? If being the perfect woman means not smiling when you don’t fucking feel like it, touting your love of velcro rollers and unironically describing yourself as “comedy gold,” then yes, we have a winner.

Victoria Beckham participated in the slightly unhinged Vogue video series, “73 Questions,” where she answered the obvious number of questions will gliding around her London boutique in an all-white outfit and the most consistently perfect half-smile I’ve ever seen.

I have already accepted the divinity of Victoria Beckham into my life, but from the beginning, when Victoria couldn’t decide whether to hug or shake hands with her sales associate, to the very end when gifts the cameraman with a pair of expensive sunglasses and a coy smile, I found myself being won over by this woman’s bizarre charm yet again.

Highlights include:

Q: Do you have any pets?

A: That’ll be Coco Chanel, the bulldog who lives in LA.

I know the Beckhams used to live in LA but why the hell does their dog still live there? What a perfectly glamorous mystery.

Q: What is your favorite color?

A: Sunset orange

I both love and hate when fashion people use excessive, wildly-specific language to describe colors.

Q: What’s one question you hate being asked?

A: Why don’t you smile?

I can’t imagine how sick she is if being asked this question so what does Vogue do? They turn around and ask her exactly that question.

Q: Good question. Why don’t you smile?

A: I’m smiling on the inside. I feel that I have a responsibility to the fashion community.

I’m pretty sure, that “I’m smiling on the inside” is something that eighth graders say but Victoria Beckham manages to make it sound, dare I say? Posh.

Q: If you could bring one thing from the states to England what would it be?

A: A fanny pack

Victoria Beckham just shaded America. She’s not bringing that fanny pack back as some sort of proof of America’s unique style. She’s bringing that fanny pack back to England so she and the rest of the Spice Girls can laugh at our tackiness. Yes, the Spice Girls are going to laugh at our tackiness.

Q: If you could teach any subject at school what would it be?

A: Singing

I feel like any mention of her singing is usually an inside joke with herself.

Q: What is one thing in this world we need to get rid of?

A: AIDS

Can’t argue with that.

Q: If you could have superpower in the world what would it be?

A: I would be able to work out and sleep at the same time.

THAT IS BRILLIANT.

Q: What’s one vice you wish you would give up?

A: I don’t have a vices.

For some reason I absolutely believe that Victoria Beckham doesn’t have any vices. Nobody remains that slim after four kids without iron discipline.