What the World Really Needs Is Hailee Steinfeld Singing About Jerking Off

Hailee Steinfeld, “that child actor,” is working on a side hustle as a pop star; you may be surprised to know that her debut single, entitled “Love Myself,” is a jubilant paean to humanity’s favorite activity, masturbation.

In the loping, xylophone-tinged pop song, Steinfeld, whose voice is quite nice (as fans of Pitch Perfect 2 already know), beseeches us by proxy to embrace autonomy… and autoeroticism. “I love me! Gonna love myself, no I don’t need anybody else,” goes the triumphal chorus, reveling as though atop a mountain in solitary bliss, glowing in sublimity and the newfound knowledge that partners are not always necessary when it comes to this pleasure game, empowered by the fact of it, an eagle flies by, her hair wisps delicately in the wind, she is 18 years old and fucking stoooooooooked. A babe in toyland if you will!

It’s a quite a brilliant pop song—the Taylor Swift crowd can interpret it as a celebration of self-esteem; moms will love it because Steinfeld’s got a reputation for being part of Hollywood’s squeakiest clean set; but discerning pop ears will hear it exactly for what it is, which is that she can love herself “anytime day or night,” “anytime that I like,” in no equivocal terms about the joy and benefits of dolo fapping. Produced by Mattman & Robin, the Swedish duo who also juiced up a couple of Tove Lo’s jammier jams, the roiling, subtle piano and bass shifts in the chorus amplify the glee and feeling that Hailee Steinfeld has won something, or perhaps she was just awakened. Only she knows for sure, and also the rest of the country because this shit’s hitting at radio, for obvious reasons. It’s the dawn of a new era, youngbloods.