It’s nine hundred degrees and hailing on the eve of our Lord and Savior Jesus Krampus. The daffodils are blooming; the tinsel wilts; a solitary wolf in upstate New York feels the twinge of stigmata and tilts his head to the east. Haters across the nation drop to the ground in penance; mothers in kitchens lay out pastries left over from the office party and pause, soulfully—sensing the charge that electrifies the tropical wind.

It’s Amy Grant CD season. Important question: what’s your favorite track? Is it “Breath of Heaven,” with its esoteric Pure Moods intro, where Amy is all, “Damn, it’s so confusing to be carrying the child of Christ?”

Advertisement

Is it the subdued alt-rock praise & worship heater “Emanuel (God With Us)” that lulls you with the little bongo pan-flute mishmash and suddenly Amy is all, “TALES! OF HOW! IT USED! TO BE!”

Is it that one where the key changes for the chorus and suddenly you’re like DAMN WHY WERE ALL THOSE LIVES TORN APART IN THE FIRST PLACE?

....THE INTERNET?

Is it the one where the gift goes freakin on?!??!

JK that’s not Amy Grant. OK let me keep guessing. Is it the one where you have to wait till 1:40 and then suddenly Amy and all of her Christmas pals are all UNTO unto UNTO unto UNTO us and you are confused every time because this song talks about the GOVERNMENT?

OR IS IT THE ONE WHEN YOU REALIZE THAT YA DON’T HAVE TO BE AN ANGEL TO SING HARMONY? THAT YA DON’T HAVE TO BE A CHILD TO LOVE THE MYSTERY (MYSTERYYYYYYYYYY)?

Yeah, it’s that one. The heart of this Christmas is in you, Amy.


Contact the author at jia@jezebel.com.