The Grammys red carpet is the one place that stars feel truly at liberty to not wear the same boring garbage that they have to wear to every other dumb awards ceremony (I’m side-eyeing you, Oscars). But will they take advantage of it? Here, we will chronicle every hit, every miss, every weird garment and boring-as-hell column gown. Above, Life Coach of the Year 2016 DJ Khaled wears a perfect houndstooth tux like a true boss.

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And so it begins! This ensemble of lovely ladies early to the ceremony feels like a good omen for the rest of the evening. Diane Warren’s 45-label tunic is perfect for a feted songwriter; Janis Ian’s wearing exactly what you’d hope Janis Ian would wear in 2016 (kimono style jacket! contrasting and fun shoes!).

The Vanguard’s Kendra Foster keeps it both elegant and casual in a onesie with a little icing swirl on the shoulder; Lisa Lampanelli looks cute and cool in pink Docs and some kind of Alpine ski sweater.

Flying Lotus is both classic, ancient, and futuristic in his tunic, which about sums up his music; Jack Antonoff is wearing a tux; Kehlani looks great in a keyhole jumper, and Lianne LaHavas should always wear that shade of lemony chartreuse.

Bonnie McKee found a way to make her signature pink hair look quite professional with a disco-silver suit, though I’m not sure about the cut; Diana Gloster went totally literal and I’m not mad at her whimsy; Rocky Dawuni flipped it with the white suit and looks great; Thundercat is doing a Deray-vest thing and is probably the most sensibly dressed person so far.

Angelique Kidjo looks fantastic as ever and is also stuntin on everyone by balancing her Grammy on her head. Bella Harris’s Grecian party mini is super cute, and Jimmy Jam always looks fresh to death in a suit; Manika and Z LaLa are both doing the Vegas showgirl thing, presumably to make up for the fact that we don’t know who the hell they are.

Carrie Underwood is transmogrifying into Vanna White; Kasey Musgraves, in Armani Privé, just told Giuliana that she “loves ombré”; Leon Bridges is cute as hell in a little bolo tie; Vanessa Simmons’s dress is both a drape, and a carpet.

Elle King is giving a lot of Mae West with her feathery gown; Josh Groban is looking very happy to be at this PTA Meeting; Leeann Womack is already having a blast; Tori Kelly chose a perfect kelly green for her complexion, though the cut is quite whatever.

Kaya Jones’s Beyoncé steez is bumming me out, down to the Ricky’s-ass Givenchy facsimile. Michelle Pesce is great, though, in a metallic shift and mock turtleneck; her dusty rose almost perfectly matches Sam Hunt’s fun tux, while Skylar Gray is witchy and Nicksian in sheer.

Buddy Guy looks great and fly as pie; Style of Eye and Bloodshy look exactly as Swedish as they are; Tammy Collins, with Kirk Franklin, chose a lovely patterned party dress—love the cut!; and Taylor Swift, who looks glossy as hell, does my absolute favorite color pairing of puce and melon, a voluminous skirt and teeny tube top. It’s cute!

Anoushka Shankar’s party dress is a beautiful, peacocky embroidery; Josephine de la Baume and Mark Ronson are always two of the coolest people in the room but Jo’s look is especially vampy and gamine this evening—that red lip, that braided topknot!; Lalah Hathaway is lovely in contrasting white to make the violet of her hair pop; Selena Gomez’s glimmering Calvin Klein gown works in cobalt and embodies that designer’s characteristic elegance.

Andra Day, may you hold forth as such unto eternity. Or: werrrrrq.

I am never mad at Dencia’s wild fashion choices, cause somebody’s gotta do it. This is the most explicit example of #cozygirl fashion I can conjure and I’m living for it.

Diamond White’s gown is further embodiment of the Riccardo Tisci ripple effect, but shit, she looks stunning in it, so rock it, ma. Ellie Goulding is elegant and sophisticated in that sky-blue pink, but the back has glimmery beaded straps that elevate it even further. Speaking of elevated, Faith Evans—FAIIIIITH—is bomb in a classic Hollywood stain gown and a freakin’ fur stole. FAITH! Rapsody takes her swag in the opposite direction, paying homage to LA’s greatest in a tux.

Adele’s beauty notes are perfect—that choppy haircut and light ombré highlight with the softest pink make-up and wine fingernails didn’t need much else, so the gown is simple and elegant. Big Sean looks as spiffy as he’s ever looked, classic in an Ocean’s 11 sense; I still don’t really know who the hell Kaley Cuoco is or what she does but the beaded pantsuit is fine, particularly for someone who (I think?) does like, reality television. Tove Lo is looking hella severe, like a member of the Volturi. Goth is better than health goth, though, so let’s fuck widdit.

The god Bonnie Raitt found a steez and stuck with it for decades, which is always something to respect; Common is a grown ass man in a contrasting lapel jacket, while The Weeknd is clearly fucking PSYCHED that a model such as Bella Hadid is his gal, which is cute. Not many people can pull off that neckline! And of course, Slay Queen Zendaya is Slay Queening in a Klute-inspired ‘70s shag and relatively conservative suit.

What the shit is happening here.

Here’s Ciara in her Freakum Dress aka her What da Fuq Is Wrong Witchu Russell Wilson Official Commemoration Grammys Ensemble. For the love of god, just do it already. Demi Lovato’s dress is great, with both slits at unexpected lengths, which makes it interesting. Florence Welch is totally weaving dreams right into a 1977 prom, and the Rev Run and Justine Simmons look great as ever, and also please can I borrow that velour cape.

Jaxon Bieber is like, No Justin, I will not be party to your transparent efforts to revamp your bad-boy image.

Ariana Grande’s bustier gown is not my favorite look on her, nor is Mayra Veronica’s beaded number, but both look good in those hues, so it’s fine. Sam Smith continues trying to disprove that he is Sam Smith; Vanessa Lachey has one of my favorite looks of the evening, in that it’s unexpected, not too serious, and goes great with a hot pink lip.

Fetty Wap looks terrific in a white tuxedo jacket with contrasting black pants—one of my favorite looks on a guy. Gonna have to preemptively award Gary Clark Jr. and Nicole Trunflo as best looking couple on earth, and their outfits even blend together perfectly—sorry Chrissy and John, you beautiful adults. Meghan Trainor has a new dye job and unfortunately Sam Smith’d herself in that I do not think I would recognize her in a crowd. Sorry!

Here’s Gaga three ways, full Bowie tribute status, back to her old ways.


Contact the author at julianne@jezebel.com.

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