If this isn’t the best news of this goddamn century, it is most definitely the best news of this fucking year: Khia, the woman who brought licking crack to the forefront of the early 2000s, is bringing her grooves to cookouts and BBQs in your area, and wants to perform for you and yours at your next summer party.

Vibe just released news that the rapper has been seen performing at private functions and has announced that she likes rapping about her gentles at family functions so much that she’s ready to take on a summer tour of nothing but pool parties and backyard cookouts as long as people are interested.

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Check Khia and her backup dancers doing their fucking thing at a recent soiree:

Lord, give me strength. I don’t know how many songs she does per concert, but I’d want to hear all of Khia’s deepest cuts along with at least two renditions of “My Neck, My Back.” Which deep cuts, you ask? Happy to tell you! Along with the inspirational “Fuck Dem Other Hoes” and “You My Girl” (which I used to listen to on repeat in 2002), I was also a huge fan of “Fuck Dem Fuck Niggaz” and “Don’t Trust No Nigga,” which I will always consider one of the best tracks on the album regardless of its popularity.

Yes, I will absolutely pay Khia to come to my house, eat my food and use my bathroom. I will pay Khia to hold my guinea pigs. And I will pay Khia to school my childhood friend Jukey on the correct lyrics to “My Neck, My Back” which, despite what MTV played, are not “My neck, my back, lick my uuuuuuuhhhhhhh, just like that,” Jukey! That was the censored version and I am sorry I had to school you in the middle of my cousin’s bar mitzvah about it. But now I can get Khia to do it for me because I am an ultimate fan.

Important update: I would also absolutely pay Trina to come down and wreck my entire party and life. Please let me know if there is even a remote possibility that she might be down for this.


Contact the author at mark.shrayber@jezebel.com.

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