In Discovering The Hills, Jezebel will recap the first season of the show in honor of its imminent reboot (The Hills: New Beginnings, out 2019, does not feature Lauren Conrad.) My only knowledge of the original L.A. teen drama is in the form of this gif, so please join me as I watch the beloved program for the first time. The rest is still unwritten.
Heidi confides in Audrina over lunch, revealing that she might be over her longterm boyfriend Jordan and his propensity towards violent jealousy anytime she so much as thinks about talking to another guy. Audrina agrees: it’s unacceptable for him to yell at her as much as he does. Heidi sits Jordan down, who cries “I’m just passionate!” when she confronts him about his anger towards her. When he leaves her apartment to go for a run, the conversation all but settled, she dead bolts the front door so he can’t reenter.
When they officially end things the next day, Jordan goes to his bros Jason and Brian to talk through the breakup. It’s only then that Jordan realizes, “Maybe I did need to watch how I spoke to her.” Too little too late, dude.
The most boring thing that happens: Jason asks Lauren if she wants to get a summer house in Malibu. She kisses him to say yes. Perhaps “boring” should be replaced with “the most rich kid bullshit that’s treated like he asked her to grab lunch, or something.” Either way, it’s the only non-breakup event.
The least boring thing that happens: Heidi and Jordan call it quits. She keeps the dog, a friendly chihuahua named Bella, which is the most important part.
My level of boredom: 4 out of 5? Unlike other episodes that at least possess the promise of action, this was 17 minutes of Heidi and Jordan breaking up. I honestly don’t even remember what his face looks like?
The finale! The sun is setting on the Hills and the Teen Vogue internships are coming to an end, but first: L.A. Fashion Week. Lauren is tasked with acquiring tickets to a sold-out Jennifer Nicholson show from PR HBIC Kelly Cutrone who, at this point, is as cutthroat as she is on America’s Next Top Model. (Thank god.) KC gives Lauren a hard time because she fails to name the people she’s getting tickets for, which, come on.
The next day Lauren is inexplicably offered a Teen Vogue summer internship in Paris for her “good job,” but she’s torn; she still wants to move into that summer home with Jason. Whitney tells her she’ll go if Lauren stays—“It’s my dream to go to Paris,” Whitney says sweetly, suppressing her jealous rage with real mastery. When Lauren tells Jason the big news he hits her with, “Whatever you do, I’ll be there for you. You’ve always been there for me.” She buys it and (spoiler from 12 years ago) decides to stay with him.
Also: Heidi and Audrina become a dynamic duo of single ladies paintin’ the town while Whitney goes to Paris in Lauren’s place. The end.
The most boring thing that happens: Is it wrong to say Jason’s fake “rebrand” as a “good guy”? He says he supports Lauren but if it were real, he’d tell her to go to France.
The least boring thing that happens: The Paris conflict?
My level of boredom: 1 out of 5. Lauren fucked up, but I’m certainly entertained and only marginally disappointed that it’s over.
And here’s your Hills reboot check-in:
Audrina Patridge has worked out a deal with her ex-husband and BMXer Corey Bohan that grants her primary custody of their 2-year-old daughter Kirra Max Patridge Bohan, The Blast reports. Audrina currently has sole legal custody and sole physical custody until they reach a final deal out of court through mediation. Just one month ago, Bohan filed a court order against Audrina to restrict Kirra from appearing on the Hills reboot—it’s too early to tell if this new deal means we’ll see her in the upcoming show or not.