69 Questions About Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker, a Terrible Movie We Never Have to Think About Again!

Because Jezebel is a supposedly feminist website about women and other things like that, we cannot possibly be expected to understand the dude-ly, machismo world of Star Wars. That is for boys! Space, math, lasers, explosions, Jedi mind powers—our brains are simply not built to understand such esoteric nonsense! And so with the release of the final film in the three-part Star Wars trilogy of trilogies, Star Wars: More Star Wars, in Space, Because This Is Star Wars, many of us found ourselves asking each other: “What the fuck is going on?”

I could probably Google these answers, yes. I could easily throw a rock and hit some eager nerd with enough explanations about what Wookies eat, or why the droids speak in that bleep-bloop language, or if Emperor Palpatine fucks or is human-enough to even have a working dick slash tentacle limb that works like a dick. But why would I do any of that? Flailing about like the Twitter bots programmed by racist nerds to insist that Kelly Marie Tran doesn’t deserve rights, or John Boyega is somehow the worst thing to ever happen to this franchise, seems to be the only way to get things done around here. And holy fuck is there a lot to be done, if Star Wars is to be saved from the effervescent tire fire J.J. Abrams and his army of nostalgia-high reply guys have turned it into!

At a screening for the Rise of Skywalker earlier this week, surrounded by some adult men with plastic lightsabers angrily fighting about Kylo Ren, I jotted down a few questions. (69 to be specific, because I couldn’t stop thinking about the logistics of Palpatine’s sex life.) Others I collected from the Jezebel staff, and some more I bullied out of my family as we were leaving the theatre. Spoilers below!

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1. Why did they keep shooting stormtroopers after Finn talked to the other ex-stormtrooper and they said they should recruit some more of them?

2. Are all Stormtroopers clones, or are they all recruits?

3. Where did Palpatine get so many ships from?

4. Is the phrase “star wars” ever uttered in any of the movies?

5. Why didn’t Rey and him fuck?

6. Does anyone actually fuck, is my question?

7. Is Luke Skywalker’s force ghost having a psychotic break?

8. Why are there so many movies?

9. Why is BB-8 so sensual, in the way he moves?

10. What’s the healthcare like under the Empire?

11. Where is Earth?

12. Are the droids sentient AI?

13. Did the weird underground cult on the Sith planet die in the explosion?

14. What kind of government did the Resistance plan on establishing when they finally overthrew the Order of Space Nazis?

15. Is there communism in Star Wars?

16. Why are the evil spaceships always shaped like orbs or dildos?

17. Who makes the clothes in the Star Wars universe?

18. Are the breezy space tunics made out of super-modern engineered space fabrics, or like… cotton?

19. Why did Palpatine mind control a random kid from halfway across the galaxy into being a Space Nazi who loves crime?

20. Why didn’t Palpatine know that Rey and Kylo Ren had a whole “Wonder Twin Powers, Activate!” thing going on between them?

21. What’s the STI situation in outer space?

22. When will Poe and Finn kiss?

23. Was Finn going to tell Rey he was in love with her?

24. When did the Stormtroopers get jetpacks?

25. Does Chewbacca have a boyfriend, or girlfriend, or non-gendered alien partner?

26. Why did Kylo Ren disappear?

27. Why did Leia hide her secret lightsaber that was also a different color?

28. Did Rey have to file paperwork with the new Resistance government to change her name to Skywalker?

29. Why did the Little Droid With Wheels know where the Sith planet was?

30. If the roll-a-round droid had the gold droids memory backed up, why was everyone freaking out about it?

31. Why didn’t Chewbacca get blown up?

32. I thought that only Jedis got force ghosts, so did Han Solo also have Jedi powers?

33. How often does that one planet throw space Coachella?

34. Why does everyone in the Star Wars universe always ask who your parents are?

35. How does Kylo Ren teleport around so much, and why can’t more Jedis teleport?

36. Do Jedis go to therapy, or do they just summon the ghosts of their dead dads to tell them they love them every time they think about why they want to do Space Nazi crimes so bad?

37. Where did they get the red stormtroopers, who are so chic?

38. Why didn’t the lady take her helmet off?

39. Where was baby Yoda?

40. Where was Rose Tico?

41. Why did Leia’s body have to disintegrate when her son died?

42. What gave the spooky tunnel worm the injury?

43. Was the dead Jedi in the underground cave with the sword also a Space Nazi?

44. Another enduring question I have is from the last movie, which is: How does Laura Dern’s character find the time to constantly dye her hair purple?

45. So there’s, like, a Mrs. Palpatine back on Naboo raising the Emperor’s children to be normal people capable of loving relationships?

46. What is the resistance resisting?

47. Is there racism in space? Or speciesism?

48. How can the humans breathe on what I assume are these other planets?

49. Why does Tattooine have two suns and do other planets have multiple suns?

50. Which one of Rey’s parents was Palpatine’s kiddo?

51. Does Palpatine know about hyaluronic acid?

52. Why didn’t Luke’s ship get all rusty?

53. Why wasn’t Rey angry, even though everyone kept telling her she was so angry?

54. If Palpatine didn’t mind-control Kylo Ren, would he still have been a Space Nazi who loved war crimes?

55. Why were there little red lines all over Kylo Ren’s helmet?

56. Who were those cool ninja assassins with different superhero type weapons?

57. Why did the cool ninja assassins turn on Kylo Ren even though they named themselves after him?

58. How does Babu Frick feel being created solely to push Disney merchandise onto teenagers?

59. How many wars in the stars have happened?

60. Has the galaxy ever known peace?

61. Are there charities in space?

62. Do the people in space ever wish they could have functional utilities and clean drinking water and paved streets?

63. Why does George Lucas love dynasties and monarchies so much?

64. Why was everyone so calm when Rey blew Chewbacca up with her force lightning?

65. Why is everyone pretending like Laura Dern didn’t fly her spaceship through the evil spaceship in the last movie?

66. What is the little kid with the broom from the last movie gonna think when he finds out Rey is a descendant of Space Hitler?

67. Why did Rey bury the lightsaberS?

68. Who was the evil Rey with the double lightsaber, and why didn’t Rey immediately make her own double lightsaber?

69. Is the point of the movie: You only matter if you are Space Hitler’s force impregnated grandkid?