Everything is stupid, and so are we. Welcome to Jezebel’s Stupidest Summer Ever, a season-long celebration of our worst, most idiotic thoughts and opinions.
I’ve never been to a white woman bachelorette party, though I am a white woman. All of my best girlfriends are celibate trolls who live under a mossy bridge, so there’s that. But I feel like pop culture has sold me this idea of The Bachelorette Party, a cornucopia of pink glitter, and stilettos nobody can walk in, and spicy margs, and thus I know The Bachelorette Party spiritually. Or, at least, the bland stereotype of one.
Here are some things I assume happen at a white girl wasted bachelorette party based on Hollywood/photos I’ve seen on Instagram/internalized misogyny:
1) Women get very drunk.
2) There’s a lot of penis paraphernalia: penis straws, penis cakes, penis confetti. Perhaps this strange ritual exists because the bride has chosen to see one penis only for the rest of her life so we must remind her of what she’s giving up? I’m not sure, I’m not an anthropologist.
3) The bride, probably wearing a tiara, gets humiliated in front of her friends and fellow drag show patrons/strippers dressed like cops (?) before *checks notes* being burned in a giant Wicker Man.
Okay, wrong movie, but you get it.
Stevie Nicks once sang, “I keep my visions to myself.” Unfortunately, I cannot, so I made a playlist based on my naive, stereotypical visions of The Bachelorette Party, white girl-flavored. The sentiments in these songs cover the entire spectrum of human emotion, i.e.: “He can’t treat me like that!” and “Tonight is the best night ever!” Please listen to this playlist while doing shots of Svedka.