It has been one blessed week since the wee god Sophia Grace dropped her truth bomb of a pop banger "Best Friends," aka the most feminist song of 2015, and its presence has taken over all our lives in ways we never anticipated. I have not met one single person who hates this song, and have even fielded a wealth of unexpected, pop-leery friends gingerly gchatting their love for it with a tentative "?," to which I have obviously responded "!". Do not feel self-conscious about your adoration for this song, everyone, it's the jam and pleasures should never be guilty.

Since we all know Soundcloud is a repository for a jumble of remixes—both the best and most official ones and the ones some dude in his basement shat out on Garageband aka diarrheaville because "Why not?" or whatever basement dude's logic may be—the platform has been swift to offer producer interpretations of "Best Friends," with the certainty of more to come. For your perusing pleasure, and because I feel I will never grow tired of hearing "Best Friends," I have listened to all of them. Here they are, for better or worse.

"Best Friends (Y//2//K Remix)"

The bass on this shit is TUFF and I like it almost as much as the actual song. (The quarter spinning at 1:17 is a brilliant addition and both sounds sick as well as highlights the fact that Sophia Grace is no doubt caking at present.) It's an effective remix because it recontextualizes her vocals in a way that makes her sound even better—that vocal layering is expert—while using the low-end to destigmatize the jam for hardcore rap fans who are too embarrassed to bump the original in the whip. KUDOS, Y2K.

Advertisement

"Best Friends (Star Remix)"

This was the most inevitable of all the remixes, in that it is a repetitive sledgehammer of a house song, perfect for aspiring EDM DJs and/or people whose favorite Mexican restaurant is Señor Frog's. Still, I fux with it, if only because it doesn't change the fundamental melody of the original but adds BPMs to make it even more hyper. Sophia Grace on candy (actual candy, not ecstasy). Oh god imagine a little baby rave, with like 1200 fifth graders hopped up on Skittles? Damn, son.

Advertisement

"Best Friends (Gen-One Remix)"

Gen-One, whose Soundcloud bio says "I shamelessly butcher samples to my liking," therefore effectively describing almost the entirety of Soundcloud, has actually accomplished maybe the best remix here by simply chopping and screwing Sophia Grace's vocals and allowing us to imagine what she might sound like if she were an adult, and/or Tinashe.

Advertisement

"Best Friends (Purrpl Remix)"

Oh my god this is like armchair hardstyle meets drill n bass meets the opening bass riff from Fugazi's "Waiting Room" and I can't even listen to it... but I respect it. "Done for fun X," writes Purrpl, who resides in beautiful London, England, where the population of aspiring dance producers roughly outnumbers that of people claiming to know the Royals. Actually I kind of love this the more I listen. Purrpl sounds like he spends a lot of time on X-Box Live.

Advertisement

"Best Friends (Junioremix Remix)"

Fucking "Stayin' Alive"? Are you serious? Taken out of context it's a sick riff but no one will ever be able to listen to this shit without thinking of pre-surg John Travolta's hairy chest, which should never be in the proximity of Sophia Grace, who should be protected at all costs as the global treasure she is. That said, I would fuck with the rote dubstep and bridge part if I were THIZZING MY TITS OFF.

Advertisement

"Best Friends (Simba Le Tambour Remix)"

In theory yes on this, because it is supposed to be a Jersey Club remix and that is one of the hypest genres alive, but Simba Le Tambour is from Vancouver, Canada, which is nearly 3000 miles away from Jerz, I rest my case. That said: I would love to hear a Jersey club scion like DJ Uniiq3 doing her thing to "Best Friends."

Advertisement

"Best Friends (DJ PT OMG Play Ground Remix)"

Oh no, honey. While I'm with it conceptually—a meld of "Best Friends" with Queen Latifah's "U.N.I.T.Y"—one of the main problems with Soundcloud is that tons of its users do not know how to distinguish the difference between a "remix" and a "mash-up." Mash-ups, as I have noted before, are the lowest form of music-making in the sample culture, take the least amount of effort and creativity, are played-out in general and should never be promoted as actual music. Yes, I feel about mash-ups the way your grandma feels about rap. They're not real music! They're just some lazy person trying to be cute! I hate them! "U.N.I.T.Y" is a great song, though.

Advertisement

And that concludes today's deep dive into the shitty annals of SoundCloud, my favorite social media platform. Best friends 4 life!