Illustration: Jim Cooke
Each fall, fresh crops of little Virgos and Libras have holiday boning to thank for their birthdays, an odd phenomenon since Christmas is a day supposedly set aside to celebrate a baby born of no boning. Perhaps the fact that so many of us owe our lives to all the fucking that happens during the month of December is the reason that Christmas sex is without a doubt one of the most popular subjects for holiday songs, second only to the virgin birth of Christ himself. But not all Christmas sex song genres are created equal—some are much more festive than others.
Here are the types of Christmas sex songs ranked, according to me. Feel free to get tipsy and fight me in the comments like we’re a real family and it’s Christmas Eve.
The Worst
- Last Christmas, We Were Fucking. This Christmas, We’re Not, and I’m Sad
This brand of Christmas song is akin to being cornered at a holiday gathering by an uncle who has had too many hot toddies and not enough sausage balls and being forced to hear his boozy remembrances of wives past told with the solemnity best reserved for the no-room-at-the-inn part of the nativity story. Save your sad stories for Valentine’s Day. Christmas is a time for pretending to be happy.
Examples: “Last Christmas,” “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”
- I Want to Have Christmas Sex But Probably Shouldn’t
A certain genre of Christmas sex song establishes boning as a perfectly practical solution for staying warm in the winter months but then adopts conventional morality as a dumb foil to a fine plan. I am not here to debate the message of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” because if we canceled every beloved but archaic thing that espoused views on women’s autonomy contrary to present-day mindsets, we would also have to cancel Casablanca and most of our grandfathers. My issue with this genre of song is that everyone should get to spend a cold winter’s night doing all the sex acts each party consents to rather than going outside in snowstorms to appease a bunch of prudes.
Examples: “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” “Let It Snow”
The Good
- I’m Horny for You and Christmas
There’s a reason Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Chrismas Is You” is No. 1 on the Billboard charts two-and-a-half decades after the song’s original release: cheerful songs about how great it is to fuck at Christmas never go out of style. Having a guaranteed date to work parties, family gatherings, and overpriced New Year’s Eve prix fixe whatevers is so much better than material gifts, because not only is another human being obligated to act as a human shield against unwanted conversation with family members and acquaintances after all the merrymaking (or during, if one has access to a convenient bed or washroom), there’s a good chance that person might also do Christmas sex to you. As Ariana Grande succinctly asks, “Are you down for some of these milk and cookies?” The most magical Christmas question of all.
Examples: “All I Want for Christmas Is You,” “Wit It This Christmas”
The Best
- I’m Gonna Cut Out the Middleman and Fuck Santa
For those who are horny for the whole holiday season, Santa makes the perfect Christmas crush. He will already be in the house on Christmas Eve and might potentially be persuaded to bring better gifts for those interested in having sexual intercourse with him. Don’t waste time finding a Christmas fuck buddy when Santa is available and potentially willing. Eartha Kitt and Katie Perry’s “Cozy Little Christmas” video have the right idea just go straight to the symbol of all Christmas joy and fuck Santa instead.
Examples: “Santa Baby,” “Cozy Little Christmas”
- My Mom Fucked Santa
This is a one-song genre, and that is a shame. Told through the eyes of a voyeuristic child who sees their mother having an extramarital affair with Santa and thinks it would be fun for their dad to come in to maybe do a three-way, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” might be the most perfect example of the incredibly weird ways Christmas songs get horny. The world does not need any more songs about snowmen or genetically divergent reindeer. What we need are more Christmas bops about parents, Santa, and human sexuality.
Example: “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
Here are some ideas for future sexy Christmas ballads:
- My parents opened up their marriage to Santa this Christmas and now they are happier than they have ever been despite the moralistic pearl-clutching of a society that should really just accept the fact that relationships are complicated and quit pigeonholing humans beings into impractical models of monogamy never meant to be anything more than archaic forms of wealth consolidation in the first place.
- Mommy was deeply in love with Santa but married my father after Santa’s sleigh was shot down in the war. Now it turns out Santa isn’t dead like she believed, and this Christmas mother is torn between the heartbreak that almost killed her and the man who loved her whole again.
- I look a lot like Santa and a relationship subReddit told my dad to buy us all 23 & Me kits for Christmas, but this is all probably just a coincidence.
Have a horny Christmas, everyone!