Amber Coffman has released a new track from her upcoming solo album (her first since leaving Dirty Projectors), and its title, “No Coffee,” sounds like something I’d be wildly interested in. As a known java enthusiast, the thought of having “no coffee” is acutely terrifying, and I imagined (based on the title) that this song would explore the existential dread one feels when opening up a bag of java beans only to discover that there are only three or four broken ones remaining.
But alas, Coffman’s song—a guitar-heavy ditty that sounds like a hybrid of Jenny Lewis and Tennis—is not about the pain of going without java, but rather the fact that she doesn’t require it at all! It’s almost like she forgot the first four letters of her surname!
Don’t need no coffee, I’m wide awake
I’m not much for sleeping when your love is at stake
I go out walking, I don’t know what to do
‘Cause I can’t think about anything but you
This, excuse me, complete lunatic thinks love is a substitute for the otherworldly jolt of caffeine a javahead gets from a freshly brewed cup of hot joe with a pinch of salt? That the thought of being with someone who loves you back provides more of a mental boost and raison d’être than 16 ounces of cold brew with a splash of milk?
I think not, Ms. Coffman. Next time you go 24 hours without sleep and need to stay conscious for a live show, see how well thinking about your lover keeps you awake onstage and let me know if that whole “No Coffee” thing is working out as well as you planned. Love ebbs and flows. Java is forever. Speaking of, I have a terrible caffeine headache and need to brew another pot.