Blame It All on Whitney: A Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Holiness Ranking

Illustration for article titled Blame It All on Whitney: A Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Holiness Ranking
Screenshot: Bravo

Brethren and sistren, today’s sermon is about forgiveness. The Book of Mormon says very clearly that the Holy Father asks us to “forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.” Similar preaching can be found in the Quran, Talmud, and Bible, which means all of our holy housewives are asked by their respective good books to forgive one another.

Yet all we saw in this week’s episode of Real Housewives of Salt Lake City was a spirit of unforgiveness, the dark specter of grudges. Does not the Lord forgive all sins and are we not called to follow in those footsteps? So why, for the love of all the prophets, are we still dealing with the fallout of Coach Shah’s birthday, if really the only victim was the person who had to clean up the glass that Jen threw?

But most importantly, how is it that everything is now Whitney Rose’s fault? The source of the bad gossip is Mary Cosby and yet none of the ire has been directed at her. Not that I, your faithful leader, would condone ire being directed at anyone because, you know, forgiveness and all that jazz. But we must be pillars of truth! The truth is that Mary laid a trap for her enemies and has now ensnared all of the women. Rest assured, the bible tells us that no weapon formed against us shall prosper and it is only a matter of time before Mary will have to face the wrath of Meredith, Lisa, and Jen Shah.

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Meredith/Brooks, the Jewish family not eating sugar, gluten, or dairy this week

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Brooks takes one stroll down a catwalk and suddenly he feels the need to go on the Beyoncé Coachella diet. Relax, you’re young. Eat the noodles. On the other hand, his mother Meredith has been quite the gossip this week, and don’t think I didn’t notice the non-modest cleavage in that all-denim outfit she wore to the grocery store.

Whitney, the ex-Mormon and miscast villain

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Whitney truly needs to set the record straight that Mary confirmed to her two times that the other women told her they were afraid of Jen Shah, and then she needs to never bring it up again. Although she apologized for starting the drama with her sinful gossip, it really seems like the women do not want to let this one go and are just glossing over the fact that Mary is the real source of agitation. Perhaps Whitney should take the Mary approach and stay at home for a few days until everything blows over or the women find something new to get angry over. As far as sinning goes, planning a trip to Sin City, drinking, and swearing are on the docket but Whitney is redeemed just a tiny bit because she managed to bring her siblings back to speaking terms with their father. The earthly family unit is just as important as the celestial family unit.

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Jen, the Muslim convert and worst friend to possibly have

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As a fake faith leader, Jen continues to disappoint me. But as a lover of manufactured drama that has no real consequences and no effect on my life, Jen is an absolute gold mine. Jen’s horrible temper and ability to be mad at any person at any given moment over any kind of perceived slight is incredible, and what I appreciate is that she commits to whatever emotion she is having in the moment. Last week when the moment called for tears and patching things up with Heather and Whitney, Jen gave it her all. But this week, when there’s only a limited amount of time to cause drama outside of Salt Lake City, Jen is ready to destroy all her friendships for the camera. This is true art. It’s also a bunch of sins, especially because my soon to be Muslim sister wore a shirt that revealed her mid-drift in mixed company.

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Heather, the good Mormon who is in for a Shah shouting match

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Last week I made it very clear that I did not want to hear about Heather’s marriage and divorce anymore. But this week I’m singing a different tune and I would like Heather to explain to me directly why exactly she chose to marry a white man when this season has shown very clearly that Heather is not that into white men. My inbox is open, Heather. Aside from the drinking, it was very un-Mormon like to watch Heather mock Big Daddy for choosing not to drink on what appeared to be the worst double date ever. Did Heather not consider the fact that Big Daddy might also be Muslim, or that he might be driving himself home and wanted to be responsible? Come on, lady.

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Lisa, the slow-driving Mormon

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It seems that Lisa is going the extra mile to be an asshole to Whitney for no solid reason even though Lisa has repeatedly said she’s not the type to hold grudges. Do you or don’t you, Lisa? Overall it seems like Lisa’s ego is going into overdrive and she is really tired of having to share screentime with all of the women besides Meredith and is just lashing out and trying to do her own thing. Pride goeth before the fall.

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Mary—where the fuck is she, honestly?

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If Mary Meredith Cosby does not interact with these women and leave her home in the next episode I will consider removing her from the weekly competitions because this refusal to step out of her kitchen or closet is starting to get ridiculous. Even Jesus had friends, Mary! Other than not fulfilling her duties as a Housewife, Mary is guilty of going against her own preachings and not extending forgiveness to Jen despite the fact that they already had several conversations about the “grandfather fucker” comment and Mary said she just wanted peace. How long does Mary intend to be rude and hide from the rest of the women? There’s no chance in heaven or hell this woman will be holding a snowflake next season.

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DISCUSSION

afrosamuress
#2 Headband

Vulture published an article that confirms that during filming Mary was only supposed to be a “friend of,” but in editing they thought they should promote her to a regular. But they only had “friend of” amounts of content for her, and that’s why she hasn’t been featured.

Brooks has outstayed his welcome, Lisa is so annoying, Meredith seems like she’s only on the show to promote Brooks, Jen needs more therapy, Heather... I used to dislike her, and still kinda do, but I feel badly for her. Whitney I have no problems with. She tried to have a conversation while drunk and it blew up in her face, but she accepted responsibility and apologized, which may be the best, and most genuine, reality TV apology.