Cersei Is Not the One!

Images via HBO.

There was no foreplay, so to speak, in “The Queen’s Justice,” the third episode in the seventh season of Game of Thrones; as with the first two episodes, events are unfolding fast, and from the opening scene they were just rammin’ shit in there, like, “Fuck it! Jon Snow’s at Dragonstone now! Keep it moving!”

Timing-wise, it didn’t really compute—I mean is Westeros so small that the North is just a quick Acela away, but in a fucking CANOE?—but plot-wise, it worked out fine; “The Queen’s Justice” is nowhere near one of the series’ best episodes, but at the very least it improved greatly upon this season’s disappointing openers, and its rather workaday meeting of Jon Snow and Daenerys at Dragonstone was made up for by the fact that CERSEI IS ADMINISTERING GOD-STYLE JUDGMENT, BABY. YOU CAN TRY TO FUCK WITH HER BUT SHE IS NOT THE ONE.

I can’t get this song out of my head tbh

I mean, how Old Testament was this shit? Euron Swagboy kept Yara and Ellaria alive, parading them through the streets like he was goddamn A-Rod on ticker tape day, flossing his trophies and stunting so hard in his bespoke premium leathers. He may be the fiercest navy guy in all the seas, but I feel like his pretty ways may get him into trouble at some point—whither first-two-seasons Theon Greyjoy? This, of course, meant that Cersei could exact her most biblical revenge upon Ellaria, which was chaining her and the remaining Sand Snake across from each other in a dungeon and fully Myrcella’ing that chick—giving her a little poison kiss and leaving Ellaria there forever so she can watch her daughter die and then rot away into dust.

This scene legit looked like a contemporary dance performance I saw at The Kitchen one time.

WHEW! Cersei seemed a little focused post-sept explosion, deftly planning her subsumation of the Seven Kingdoms, but Cersei is never not Cersei’ing; the death of her children seemed to propel her into cold calculation zone, but as her speech to Ellaria showed, she is in fact bottling up her pain. This is dangerous for both her and everyone else! Including, maybe especially, Jaime, whom she has decided to openly parade as her lover, and who admits to Olenna Tyrell that he knows she’ll probably be the death of him.


SPEAKING OF DEATH AND OLENNA TYRELL! In another bit of eye-for-an-eye shit, our favorite septuagenarian slay queen met Death by Wine, though it’s to Jaime’s not-entirely-evil credit that she REPORTEDLY did not suffer. But seriously, did Jaime not even have the slightest hunch that she might have been involved in Joffrey’s murder? Like, if we are to believe that Jaime bought into Tyrion’s innocence, wouldn’t it even remotely cross his mind that the protective and scheming grandmother of Joffrey’s reluctant bride would have a hand in offing him for her gain? No? Whatever. (Olenna’s death happened essentially for the gold to fund the Lannister wars, and the scene with the Braavos banker guy and Cersei negotiating the loan was a nice bit of acknowledgement of the way capitalism feeds off of oppression! THANK YOU WRITERS FOR THIS BIT OF TOPICALITY, OKURRRR???)


Arya was really missing in this episode, but was Sansa and Bran’s reunion at Winterfell not hilarious?! She was like “Hello, it’s my long-lost little brother who is now a little man” and he was just staring at her all fucked-up and crazy like “WHADDUP B!!!” The Three-Eyed Raven a freak!


Which brings us back to Dragonstone, and the fact that Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen have worked out a plan via Tyrion—the North gets to mine the dragonglass, and Dany will presumably see future dividends in the form of loyalty, if not knee-bending. But what is clearly happening here is this alliance finna be CONSUMMATED, since neither will budge on their stance but they clearly could use each other for both their armies and their lust. I mean, there was real sexual tension there, que no? Even when they were lecturing each other about history (ZZZZZZZZZZZ) THEIR EYES WERE LOCKED.


Also, I don’t know why so many people are grossed out by the fact that I want them to bone??? Like, yes, Dany is Jon’s aunt, but like, it’s Game of Thrones? It’s fictional. It’s okay to want to watch two hot people, who are actors and totally unrelated in real life, hook up with their hotness on screen. I MEAN IF WE’RE NOT HERE FOR THE BONERS AND DEATH, WHY EVEN ARE WE??????????

Oh, and creepy Melisandre basically predicted hers and Varys’s death in Westeros. I for one am ready to see Varys and Littlefinger as wights.


Boners: Euron Greyjoy, per Euron Greyjoy. (“I have to be honest: this is making me hard.”) Jaime Lannister, getting freaky with his sister! Butt, but no peen though; just your average, out-in-the-open incestuous blowjob, no biggie.

Deaths: Whatever that Sand Snake’s name is (presumably). A shit-ton of Tyrells. A lesser-than-expected amount of Lannisters. A decent amount of Unsullied, plus their ships. OLENNA TYRELL, RIP TO THA GOD. SHE DIED WITH HER MIDDLE FINGERS TO THE SKY.

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