Colton Underwood's Bachelor Contestants: A 'Sloth,' a Villainous DJ, and Not a Single Lauren

There are few days as exciting as today for Bachelor nation because—drum roll please—we’ve been introduced to all 30 contestants on Colton Underwood’s forthcoming season.

In a Facebook Live video on Thursday, host Chris Harrison went off-script and told us a bit about all 30 women. Some are hot and impressive; others are hot, unemployed, and given cutesy descriptors like “sloth” or “Cinderella.” For the most part, Harrison was only a little bit racist. Let’s dive in.

In alphabetical order, meet the first Alex of the evening—Alex B., a 29-year-old from Vancouver, Canada. She apparently works as a dog rescuer, which is good, because Colton is a glorified golden retriever who’s managed to learn how to walk upright. Next!

Alex D., 23, from Boston, Massachusetts, was apparently confused that she asked by Bach producers for her job title and not the deadly sin she most embodies. I’ll bet anyone $5 she emerges from the limo night one in a sloth costume, which I guess is cute, but also a weird move if you’re attempting to seduce a dog-man.

Angelique, 28, from Hamilton, New Jersey is described by Chris Harrison as “sweet,” which leads me to believe she’s getting cut night one. That’s a damn shame, because she’s the first woman mentioned with a real job, and she’s got great dimples.

We met Annie on Ellen when three contestants from the upcoming season competed in a game of “Know or Go.” The financial associate from New York won by knowing how many points are in a touchdown, or how many points a touchdown is worth? With kicks? Who could remember? Anyway, I’m already bored of talking about her, so she’ll probably win.

Bri, 24, from Chino Hills, California is our first “model” of the season and Chris Harrison says she “catches Colton’s eye.” He also says she “overcame a lot in her life,” and based on her vibe alone, I’m going to say she escaped a religious cult.

For a pageant queen—Caelynn’s not only Miss North Carolina 2018, she was a runner-up in Miss USA—the body language in her photograph is pretty awkward, right? Like, she’s not totally sure she wants to be here? Same, dude.

Caitlin is a 25-year-old realtor in Toronto which means she probably makes bank. The 6 is even pricier than New York City so get those commissions. I respect the hustle.

Cassie, 23, from Huntington Beach, California has a low-key vibe. I have no real reason to be saying this, but I like her! Speech pathology is a noble career path, too.

The first words out of Harrison’s mouth when Catherine the DJ FROM FT. LAUDERDALE, FLORIDA (this bich is messy) appears on screen: “If you’re looking for a villain, I’m not saying Catherine is it. I’m just bringing up the point: if you’re looking for a villain, keep your eyes out. I’m not putting that title on her.” She also brings a senior dog with her to the mansion.

Thank god for Catherine. I am banking on her to make this season memorable.

Courtney, the 23-year-old caterer from Atlanta, Georgia will “bring up” “peaches” on night one, so says Harrison, and I do love me an ass pun.

Demi from Dallas definitely voted for Trump.

Devin from Medford, Oregon is going to cry and I know this because Harrison said to expect “tears.” Rude.

Elyse is from Alaska. That’s all I got.

Erika’s from Encinitas, California, also known as the home of Blink-182. I’d like to know what she recruits before commenting further on her.

Erin is from Plano, Texas and lists her job as “Cinderella,” which means she either enters the mansion in a giant pumpkin or was recently fired from Disney World. I’m not sure which one is more depressing.

Here’s yet another pageant queen, the first of two Hannah’s and the first of two Hannah’s from Alabama…

…Why?

Last month, when a teaser for Colton’s season dropped, I theorized that all of the contestants would be virgins like him. I used a line from Heather as evidence, which is horny in a sexless way: “Colton looks so hot. I plan on rubbing oil all over his body.” Turns out I was right because she is, and she’s “never been kissed.” Never. doubt. me.

Jane’s real name is Adrianne. It’s not her middle name, she’s just Jane now.

Katie, 26, was also on Ellen but was eliminated first. Harrison says she was a dancer before becoming a medical sales rep, which is kinda neat. I don’t know.

Kirpa’s smart, apparently, because she makes a bold joke on night one that Colton doesn’t understand. That doesn’t seem like a challenging thing to do, but I digress.

Laura—whose name is notably not Lauren—is from Dallas, Texas. So is Chris Harrison, so he talks about that. Apparently she also arrives night one wearing the same dress as another contestant, so, RIP her.

Nicole is a “Spanish-speaker” from Miami, Florida which sounds like a creative way to avoid saying Latina?

Nina’s from Croatia, the only non-Yank of the bunch, and possesses what promises to be “an amazing story.”

Onyeka, the 400th contestant from Dallas, Texas, is originally from Kansas-via-Nigeria and apparently you don’t want “to be on her bad side,” so says Harrison. It’s borderline impressive, really, how this series continues to sneak in racist stereotypes.

And it doesn’t end with Onyeka. When Revian’s image comes up, Harrison says, “Don’t be fooled by her innocent face. She likes to have fun.” Yikes.

Sydney’s a legend because, while on Ellen, she offered the perfectly misremembered pickup line, “Hi Colton, did you just fall from heaven or are you an angel?” Before that glorious fumble, she was a dancer for the New York Knicks but quit that job to go on the Bachelor. She seems a little nutty, and god help us, they need that on the show.

We’re given literally no information about Tahzjuan.

Tayshia’s “one to watch.” At this point in the video, I think Harrison is just blowing past ’em.

Number 30!!! Tracy from Los Angeles might be the first contestant in Bachelor history to wear a blazer in her press shot. It’s kinda nice.

That’s all, folks. The Bachelor’s three-hour season premiere airs Monday, January 7 at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.