Congrats to All the Annas

Gravity-defying heartthrob and expert suit-wearer Harry Styles debuted two “seemingly brand-new songs” at a live show in Switzerland over the weekend. One is (probably) called “Medicine,” and is about precisely what you’d expect. The other is an ode not to his Dunkirk co-star Fionn Whitehead, but instead to someone named Anna. Congrats!

The song, (probably) called “Anna” and filmed vertically by countless Stylestans, contains lyrics like:

“Every time I see your face, there’s only so much I can take/Oh, Anna!”

“Don’t know how you taste when/there’s smoke in your perfume/So chew me up and spit me out/Nothing left to lose.”

“I don’t want your sympathy/But you don’t know what you do to me/Oh, Anna!”

(So it could also be a person named Oanna.)

To the best of my knowledge, Harry Styles has never publicly dated someone named Anna, but after slightly considerable thought, I have concluded that the object of his affection is none other than Gizmodo Media Group’s very own Anna Merlan.

When pressed for comment, Ms. Merlan said, coyly, “…..”

She denied all my requests to elaborate.