Pardon me for being a gaping thirstbucket this entire season, but after Daenerys Targaryen and her secret nephew, Aegon Targaryen f.k.a. Jon Snow, finally saw to it with their love, I realized something... something about myself. That is: my entire Jon and Dany Got to Fuq Campaign 2017 has been rooted in part in overall disappointment, the way that one of the most fascinating, involved shows ever put to television began to peter out in lieu of convoluted dialogue and illogical character motivation. George R.R. Martin is a master of plotting, and various impenetrable nerd shit; Benioff and Weiss are great at flashy theatrics and, I’ll admit it, pretty great jokes. Take one from the other—and honestly, who could blame GRRM if, perchance, he can no longer muster a shit about a series he started writing 25 years ago—you get a confusing end product, more Michael Bay than Joseph Campbell.
But more on that later because JON AND DANY FINALLY BONED, Y’ALL!
While I must be honest and mention that their chemistry was still lacking even butt naked in a bed on a boat en route to Winterfell, I must also be honest and note that the implied heat was all worth it. Even beautiful people uniting to destroy an army of icicle zombies deserve a chance at love, you know? And considering the amount of times Daenerys brought up her fertility, or lack thereof (AGAIN! which is to say GET A WOMAN TO WRITE FOR THIS SHIT), the fact that the bone zone was narrated by KILLJOY McRAVEN talking about Jon’s true parentage means two things: 1) as predicted, Jon’s dragon sperm is gonna be able to withstand her dragon eggs and they will unite to make a super-Targeryn to rule the Seven Kingdoms; 2) Benioff & Weiss, who wrote this episode, just CANNOT LET US LIVE. Seriously, we’ve been waiting for this one love scene for seven weeks and you have to remind us the whole time that it is kind of unknowingly ooky, via a voiceover in which Samwell and Bran are basically like, dorksplaining to each other?? I mean, we’ve been giving y’all a pass on intrafamilial sexing for freakin’ seven years, and NOW you have to lecture us. GOD, DADS! [SLAMS DOOR]
I guess the rule is you can’t have too many ongoing incestuous relationships at once on this show, so just as Jon and Daenerys consummated their love, Jaime found it prudent to leave his Mad Queen sister-lover in order to fight the true fight in the North. (What this also may mean, in my most Bran Stark third eye, is that Dany and Cersei are going to be pregnant at the same time and we can prepare ourselves for some truly annoying powerful women protecting their womb plotlines next season. Please let me be wrong!)
The most interesting, unpredictable and complex element by far in this episode was the reiteration of Lannister family dynamics, and the way old wounds motivated each character to their own ends. This is also, in part, because Lena Headey and Peter Dinklage are two of the best, if not the best, actors on this show, and their little come-to-Jesus scene laid bare the respective pain which turned Tyrion righteous and responsible, and Cersei bitter and savage. After being nearly gnarled by a wight in the dragonpits during the requisite “HEY FAN FORUMS, HERE ARE ALL YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTERS TOGETHER, WE DID THIS FOR U, PLEASE WRITE 100,000 THREADS ABOUT IT” scene, she explained to Tyrion her motivation for life since her three golden-haired children croaked: “I don’t care about making the world a better place... all I could think about was keeping those gnashing teeth away from my family.”
She didn’t let The Mountain kill him even after he dared her because she knew Jaime would never forgive her, but after Tyrion finesses her pregnancy sitch to get her to promise troops to the war of the undead, and Jaime learns she lied (of course she lied! GOD Jaime) she destroys her family, anyway. No one thinks she’d be happy with NBA Young Boy Euron Swagjoy, aka the Iron Islands’ dustiest Raf devotee; he is truly a hypebeast Robert Baratheon, only instead of spending all their gold on booze and brothels, he’ll be like “ooh let me get that limited edition, premium leather sword sheath with the contrast stitching.” Pathetic!
At least Littlefinger got his due, in part because there was literally nowhere for his character to go after like, Episode 2. Seriously, did Aiden Gillen have some sweet contract clause? The storyline involving Sansa, Arya, and Baelish was so convoluted and unbelievable it seemed like filler, and while it was, I guess, heartening to know that Sansa had figured out his snaky ways and finally got Arya to slice his neck like a salami, the fact that it took several episodes and made viewers think that two extremely cunning women characters who’d seen some shit just couldn’t figure out this tiny man and also GAVE UP THEIR AGENCY... that was bullshit! Total bullshit. Still, ultimately a triumph if only for this fully savage smize:
Finally... Viserion is an ice dragon now, and the Wall at Eastwatch is fucking toast (or frozen? How does ice conquer ice??). The White Walkers and the army of the undead finna hit Winterfell circa summer 2018, but as we know from Jaime’s trek north from King’s Landing, winter is fucking everywhere. IT’S ALSO IN MY HEART, GOOD NIGHT TO GAME OF THRONES SEASON 7.
JON AND DANY FUQWATCH: They fuq’d.
Deaths: That Ironborn muhfucka who dared question Theon’s trendsetting. Reek! In Theon’s heart. Littlefinger (a mercy-killing for us, the audience). Presumably everyone at Eastwatch, including possibly Tormund Giantsbane, but you know how this shit goes.
Boners: Euron, for power, despite the fragility of his masculinity. Jon, for Dany. NOT THEON, WHICH ALLOWED HIM TO DEFEAT THE IRONBORN MUHFUCKA WHO DARED QUESTION HIS TRENDSETTING. SHOUT OUT TO THE COURAGE OF “THE COCKLESS,” AS BRONN CALLED THE UNSULLIED.