Discovering The Hills, Season 1: Heidi Montag Has 'Never Learned Anything'

In Discovering The Hills, Jezebel will recap the first season of the show in honor of its imminent reboot (The Hills: New Beginnings, out 2019, does not feature Lauren Conrad.) My only knowledge of the original L.A. teen drama is in the form of this gif, so please join me as I watch the beloved program for the first time. The rest is still unwritten.

Season 1, Episode 1: “New City, New Drama”

Episode 1 introduces us to our monotone hero Lauren Conrad, who describes herself as a “small town” girl on her way to “the city where dreams come true” (Los Angeles) to work at Teen Vogue.

Audrina Patridge magically appears poolside to form the now classic trifecta with Lauren and Heidi Montag, who I find delightfully oblivious in a primal, dramatic way—at one point she tells her college advisor she has “never learned anything,” “never went to [high] school,” and wants to party for a living.

The trio later dines with Heidi’s boyfriend Jordan and two dudes; they underage drink and share in the mutual aspiration to never work full-time.

The most boring thing that happens: The introduction of Lauren’s fellow intern Whitney Port. When she speaks, it’s about, for example, being shocked that Lauren would turn on her work computer without instruction from anyone.

The least boring thing that happens: Heidi and crew attempt to crash Teen Vogue’s Young Hollywood party, which Lauren’s working, by showing up a little drunk and demanding she “sneak [them] in.” Lauren obliges but gets Whitney to do the dirty work.

My level of boredom: 0 out of 5. Having never seen this show before, I find myself excited to be part of the conversation.

When she calls Lauren to tell her, Lauren hangs up on her with a loud CLAP of her flip phone.

Season 1, Episode 2: “A Change of Plans”

It’s Monday. Lauren gets reprimanded at work for fucking up the party. At night, everyone goes to a club named after the airport (LAX), where Heidi networks and scores an interview with some promoter who looks like a character out of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater named Brent Bolthouse of Bolthouse Productions, which, as she immediately informs everyone, is now her dream job. (They love talking about dreams?)

Heidi gives a quick interview to Bobby Boathole promising that she loves to work and presto change-o, she’s got the job and she’s dropping out of college. When she calls Lauren to tell her, Lauren hangs up on her with a loud CLAP of her flip phone.

The most boring thing that happens: Heidi plays solitaire.

The least boring thing that happens: Heidi meets her boyfriend for dinner and he calls her “retarded.”

My overall level of boredom: 4 out of 5. The excitement level has decreased, but at least the episode ends with Aly & AJ’s 2005 hit “Rush”—a perfect metaphor for Lauren’s foray into adulthood: “Don’t let nobody tell you your life is over/Be every color that you are.”

Heidi is somehow surprised to learn that her job is full-time and not part-time, which she mentions to her boss twice.

Season 1, Episode 3, “An Unexpected Call”

Lauren hops on a last minute flight to New York Fashion Week to drop off a dress at Marc Jacobs and immediately return home, which is way more extravagant than anything any real intern has ever done, let alone on her third day. She also takes an obnoxiously large pillow with her, which leaves me concerned for her seat mate’s armrest and personal space. I also think it speaks volumes to her character. Plane etiquette is real.

Back on the left coast, Brian (Heidi’s boyfriend’s roommate) visits Audrina at her job where they have a stupid conversation about nothing. On her first day of work, Heidi is somehow surprised to learn that her job is full-time and not part-time, which she mentions to her boss twice. He tells her, “If you’re gonna come here and work, we need you to work.” Hmm. Something to consider… Later, her worthless boyfriend tells her to quit. She doesn’t! Score one point for Heidi.

The most boring thing that happens: It appears that every episode of this show is going to begin with Heidi and Lauren in a conversation neither wants to have and certainly no one wants to watch. It’s almost as boring as watching Audrina do anything.

The least boring thing that happens: It was kind of exciting to watch Lauren lead a jet-set life, but that lasted about two minutes.

My overall level of boredom: 4.5 out of 5. I’m exhausted by everyone.

According to E!, Audrina Patridge’s ex-husband and BMXer Corey Bohan filed a court order to restrict their 2-year-old daughter Kirra from appearing on the show. Bohan released a statement in conjunction with the order: “I do not believe it is in Kirra’s best interests to appear on reality TV as the effects of being in the public spotlight could be extremely damaging to such a young child.” The pair divorced in September 2017 after 10 months of marriage.

Additionally, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee’s 22-year-old son Brandon Lee has signed on to join the cast of The Hills: New Beginnings, Entertainment Tonight reported. A source told the site, “Brandon is in final negotiations for a role on the new reboot of The Hills. The world really doesn’t know Brandon. The public is unaware of what a smart, funny, caring and charismatic guy he is.”