In Discovering The Hills, Jezebel will recap the first season of the show in honor of its imminent reboot (The Hills: New Beginnings, out 2019, does not feature Lauren Conrad.) My only knowledge of the original L.A. teen drama is in the form of this gif, so please join me as I watch the beloved program for the first time. The rest is still unwritten.
Season 1, Episode 4: “Lauren and Jason: Take Two”
Lauren receives a bouquet from her ex-boyfriend, Jason, which proves to be more of a burden than a gift. It’s so large Heidi keeps referring to it as “a tree!” (Los Angeles apartments aren’t that big.) Lauren’s into it, though, and agrees to go to lunch with him across the street from a Tower Records. She also texts him on a T-Mobile Sidekick 2. I feel like I’m stuck in a “Wanna feel old? Do you remember the mid-00s?” BuzzFeed quiz.
Heidi goes to work, though she’s not very good at it. She calls her boyfriend, Jordan, on a bright pink Motorola Razr to tell him she hates her job and wants to quit. This was a smart decision, because MTV doesn’t air his side of the conversation.
The most boring thing that happens: Whitney makes copies.
The least boring thing that happens: Lauren meets up with Jason and asks him why he started calling her and leaving her gifts. He says he wanted to see if she “chilled out” after he cheated on her with his ex-girlfriend in front of her. Good guy!
My level of boredom: 2 out of 4. Boy drama, freakin’ finally. Where’s Audrina?
Season 1, Episode 5: “Jason’s Birthday”
Jason and Lauren are back together after a single smooch. She buys golf clubs for him that cost, like, $1000, because despite his appearance, the kid is wealthy and does shit like play golf at age 19. Lauren also plans his birthday dinner, where he mostly ignores her to sit with some dudes conveniently located next to the bathroom, where he makes frequent, concerning visits. Hmmmmm. When he confronts her after the meal, she says she’s not going to fight with him on his birthday. He, with an audible swipe of his nostrils, slurs, “Why are you mad at me?”
The most boring thing that happens: Whitney gets overwhelmed by denim and tells Lauren, “Jeans can be really addicting. You have to have them. I can’t do it.”
The least boring thing that happens: Audrina agrees to the world’s worst date with a large adult son who goes by “Danny.” He chews with his mouth open, checks his voicemail in the middle of the date (which he refers to as his “machine”) and says things like “This salad is a party!” Heidi calls Audrina during the date and tells her to say “This food is good” if Danny is “sweet and cute.” She responds, “It’s a little greasy.”
My level of boredom: 2 out of 4. This is finally getting good, suggestive cocaine use and all.
Season 1, Episode 6: “Boyfriends and Work Don’t Mix”
After a long, like, three weeks on the job, Heidi has been promoted to working at the club named after the airport, LAX. She’s thrilled! However, her first gig is the same night as her six-month anniversary with Jordan, which is apparently something people celebrate. She asks to move her first day and is told no. She also asks if she can party at the club when she’s done working but, welp, the club will be closed when she’s off the clock. Regardless, she hangs out at a VIP table with Jordan during her first shift, which is bad, and is approached by a guy she went on one date with named Josh, which is somehow worse. When Heidi and Jordan leave together, he’s jealous and upset. How the hell does Heidi still have a job?
Also: Lauren takes a page out of Heidi’s book and shows up late for work. It’s mostly Jordan’s fault, who recently shaved his face. He looks less stupid now. For that, I am grateful.
The most boring thing that happens: Lauren misses a meeting to take a test, which reminds me that she’s in school.
The least boring thing that happens: A model misses her call time for a Teen Vogue DKNY event and Whitney fills in. There’s hope for her yet.
My level of boredom: 0 out of 5. I’m hooked.
And here’s your Hills reboot check-in:
Whitney Port spoke to Motherly about being a working mom and why she decided to do the Hills reboot:
“I signed up to do the show because I wanted everybody to see a little bit more of a glimpse into what my life looks like. Because it feels like a lot of moms are striving for advice or just validation that what they’re going through is normal and okay. And so I signed up to do the show just so that I could do that even more. And I hope that that’s what comes out of it. We only just started shooting, so I can’t say exactly how it’s going to go. But I do hope that it’s as authentic as our YouTube channel.”
Now feels like a good time to say that Whitney Port has a mommy blog YouTube channel that does moderately well.