In Discovering The Hills, Jezebel will recap the first season of the show in honor of its imminent reboot (The Hills: New Beginnings, out 2019, does not feature Lauren Conrad.) My only knowledge of the original L.A. teen drama is in the form of this gif, so please join me as I watch the beloved program for the first time. The rest is still unwritten.
Heidi’s boyfriend Jordan accompanies Lauren to get a holiday present for her new beau Jason, a black-diamond encrusted dog tag set which the saleswoman stumbles through describing as “super ghetto..............fabulous.” Afterward, the four meet up to pick up a Christmas tree and decorate it. Heidi reveals that “somebody always has to cry” at her holiday celebrations at home. The rest think that’s weird, probably because they’re insensitive dick holes.
Later, Jason gets furious at Lauren because a boy she used to have a crush on called her. It comes to a head at a nightclub on New Years Eve, where he berates her with, “You keep making mistakes over and over, Lauren,” while wearing a top hat. She leaves in tears. He surprises her at the stroke of midnight with roses he bought off the street, two cigarettes—one in his mouth and one in his hand—and a big ass drunk smooch.
The most boring thing that happens: Heidi and Lauren go to lunch, I imagine to break up an episode that could’ve otherwise been 10 minutes long.
The least boring thing that happens: Heidi gets surprised with a puppy for Christmas. Her name is Bella and she is perfect.
My level of boredom: 0 out of 5. There’s an adorable dog now and Heidi ditched a party to support Lauren. I’m into it.
We open on the ladies of the Hills standing outside of a Fred Segal. Audrina has skipped class to go shopping, to which Heidi shouts, “I love ditching. It’s, like, a thing I love.” Lauren, ever the ball-buster, jumps in, “She loves ditching so much, she permanently ditched school.” Then she tries on a wedding dress.
Back at Teen Vogue, Lauren and Whitney are asked to find 17- to 20-year-old swimsuit models for a go-see. Lauren lies to Jason and says she’s only scouting women. (If you recall from the last episode, it’s because he’s a jealous jerk most of the time.) Almost immediately, Jordan lets it slip to Jason that the models were all actually dudes. Heidi confronts him about his loose lips and he’s like, “Their relationship sucks... they’re both insecure, immature, they’re not ready to be in a relationship.” Remove his casual r-bombs and he makes the most sense outta all of them.
At the end of the episode, Jason surprises Lauren with a room at the Standard Hotel for her birthday and repeatedly asks her (at least four times?) if she’d like to go out and party, though she keeps reassuring him she wants to stay in. They do, but it’s awkward.
The most boring thing that happens: After the girls flirt with the model boys at the casting (not boring) they continue to dish over dinner where Audrina confesses to only liking bad boys because pretty boys are—get this—“boring.”
The least boring thing that happens: Vanderpump Rules’ Tom Sandoval is one of the models Teen Vogue scouts! He’s asked how long he’s been in L.A., “Six months,” if he likes it, “Yeah, it’s cool. Definitely,” and if he’s looking to become an actor/model, “Pretty much. That and music.” At no point does he say he hopes to become a bartender for billionaire British boss-turned-reality TV star, but I’ll take it.
My level of boredom: Like, -5 out of 5? The opposite of bored? It’s a Vanderpump Rules/Hills crossover!
And here’s your Hills reboot check-in:
According to E!, the cast of The Hills: New Beginnings were caught partying it up at Jewel Nightclub in Las Vegas (damningly and telling not the Hills.) Brody Jenner and his wife Kaitlynn Carter were suspiciously absent, apparently because they were busy evacuating their homes due to the destructive wildfires raging in Southern California. An “insider” told the tabloid that the Hills’ cast member Frankie Delgado was “particularly concerned about Brody’s well-being because he heard rumors that Caitlyn Jenner’s house had burned down.”