Last week’s episode of Dr. Pimple Popper nearly broke us, but this week’s episode felt...tame, somehow, in comparison. Perhaps it’s because of the lack of fluids that resemble soft cheese—or maybe it’s because our constitutions, stomachs, and hearts are growing ever stronger.
Rich: Wow, in the scenes-from-the-episode package, we’re promised a journey to an area between the eyes known as the “triangle of death,” where infection is more likely to cause “blindness or possible death.” And a fond hello to you, too, ma’am.
Our first patient is Mary, a 56-year-old with a disproportionate body—her left is size 18, her right is size 10.
Megan: Oh no, I feel very bad for Mary.
Rich: “Rick and I are not physically intimate and we probably never will be.”
Megan: Oh my god!! Rick is an asshole???
Rich: He says it hurts her if he touches her, but... she is not weighing in on this. Are you sure about that, sir? Why isn’t Mary weighing in???
Rich: She wasn’t shown saying a word!!!
Megan: Indicative of their relationship??? I will refrain from comenting on what I don’t know.
Rich: I mean, that’s never stopped me before when it comes to reality TV.
Megan: Yeah, I appreciate and even welcome the emotional manipulation of TLC, but this is like extra rude.
Rich: “I don’t get to feel like a normal person. I can’t buy anything pretty.” Said while shopping for a dress for her daughter’s wedding. That’s a poem right there.
Megan: I just want Mary to look nice at her daughter’s wedding!!!
Rich: She will! She’s about to get the the irrigation of her dreams. I can’t believe this sad piano music. It sounds like Air Supply died and then came back to play at their own funeral.
Megan: We should do the music on Season 2. Oh good, here goes my girl, Dr. Sandra Lee!
Rich: “Something like this is really rare.” You’d think that she’s seen it all before, but her life is full of surprises. Or maybe she’s just forgetful. Dr. PP’s mind is either consistently being blown or... she’s a human goldfish.
Megan: I find her so comforting. Ok, now she’s looking at Mary’s bod. I feel relief that there aren’t cysts, but I’m also stressed that Dr. PP doesn’t know what this is.
Rich: I know, if it’s fat, it’s not like she can just open up a leg and just squeeze it all out. “This might be a job for someone else.” AND THEN WHAT.
Megan: I am honestly GRATEFUL BEYOND BELIEF that she cannot open up a leg and squeeze the fat. It looks like fat. Feels like fat. And... it is fat.
Rich: But it’s coming out like butter...
Megan: “Lobules” of fat. Is it not fucked up that she’s awake during this??
Rich: “I want you to be awake for your nightmares.”—Dr. PP in several off-camera conversations.
We meet Anthony, a 23-year-old personal trainer with a sebaceous cyst in an area Dr. Pimple Popper refers to as the “triangle of death.”
Megan: Oh no, this man’s cyst. This cyst looks like the zit on my chin. Do I need to go to the doctor?
Rich: I had this happen above my eye. It didn’t get that big and then it got small but I can still feel it.
Megan: I’m glad Crystal sees past his cyst.
Rich: I’m glad Crystal is looking at him like someone lost in the desert would a bottle of Pedialyte.
Rich: What I’m trying to say is: thirst. “It’s hard to be Mr. Smooth with sales when all you can think about is this cyst on your face.” It’s probably hard to be Mr. Anything when that’s all you can think about.
Megan: It’s not THAT big.
Rich: I still would!
Megan: Ugh, would I? Yeah. I would.
Rich: This cyst, this cyst.
Megan: I get what you’re doing there. Ok, in the harsh light of Dr. PP’s office, that cyst is fucked up. Sorry.
Rich: It seems bigger.
Megan: I’m also glad that the triangle of death is not the area above the asshole or buttcrack as I suspected. I’m also now paranoid that the zit under my chin is going to turn into a cyst.
Rich: I am paranoid that my entire body is filling up with an oatmeal-like pus and my entire existence will have to be cut open and once all is out, nothing will be left.
Megan: Oh no, this is very difficult to watch. “Keep your eyes closed in case something drips into it.”
Rich: Good advice to apply no matter your situation.
Megan: AHHHH. No no no no. I gagged. Holy shit, that thing was huge??
Rich: Another eyeball from an eyeball.
Megan: I truly hate this. The texture of it. She got like two tablespoons of stuff.
Rich: It looks like a small brain as it’s coming out.
Megan: It really does. It is what I imagine a teratoma to actually look like. God, the huge hole in his face!
Rich: Oh my god!!! He looks so happy.
Megan: He really does.
Next up is Shane, who has, in his words, a “big ol’ lump” on his back.
Megan: Ok onward to this man with the tit on his back. Why is this guy’s friend such a dick? “Shane and Shawn have a bromance,” according to Dr. PP.
Rich: Is it merely a bromance, tho?
Megan: I REALLY HATE WHEN SHE GOES IN THERE WITH HER HANDS.
Rich: Sometimes you really gotta get your hands dirty.
Megan: Imagine. I just did. I feel faint.
Rich: I gotta say, I don’t want to jump out of my skin this episode. A huge letdown, really.
Megan: You may have spoken too soon. I think Shane’s lipoma is going to be really bad. Now that I’m an expert, I feel like I can tell when they’re about to ooze cream or whatever.
Holy shit. I gagged again. That is HUGE.
Rich: Wow, she birthed that.
Megan: Oh my god, it’s SO big. It looks like a chicken breast.
Rich: Oh my god, she’s really focused on the body’s gaping spaces, post-extraction this episode. This is What We Leave Behind when “we” are lipoma.
We meet Brandi, 30, a woman with a large lump on her chest.
Megan: Oh no...that is a very big lump.
Rich: Yes, it makes for complicated cleavage.
Megan: From straight on, I can’t really see it.
Rich: “I’m self-conscous about wearing low cut tops” and yet...
Megan: I feel like you gotta let it be free? Also, I know that TLC is just like “be sad about your lump,” and that’s why we get these montages, but I don’t know... Be more convincing! I’m sorry. That was rude of me.
Rich: I wish I had a lipoma so Dr. PP would put a cloth over my eyes allowing me to miss all of this. Why does Brandi get to have everything!
Megan: What if my chin zit becomes the size of a golf ball? If I have to go to Dr PP, will you come with me?
Rich: Yes! I’ll liveblog the whole thing!
Megan: I can’t figure out if it’s worse when it looks liquid or when it’s solid. I find liquid more fascinating, but the solid is more upsetting somehow.
Rich: I know, like when it comes out “clean,” it still isn’t clean because it’s A GRAPEFRUIT-SIZED MASS OF PUS AND FAT.
Megan: Maybe they saved the grossest for last with Brandi.
Rich: I don’t like the squeeze/grab combo.
Megan: One or the other so I know where to look. This one was not clean.
Rich: No, it found nooks and crannies like butter in an English muffin.
Megan: Wait... did she leave some shit in there? Like... make sure you got it all!
Rich: I’ve never seen Dr. PP be so uncertain.
Megan: Are you fucking kidding me! Get that shit out! All of it!
Rich: In the updates, we discovered that Anthony has a new cyst-free lease on life, and that Brandi can now wear the low-cut styles of tops she prefers. Ya know what? Good for her. She deserves it.
Megan: Thank god. It’s over. Bless...