Drowning in Ruffles and Sequins On the 62nd Grammys Red Carpet

Mere days after ousted Grammys chief Deborah Dugan filed a 44-page Equal Employment Opportunity Commission complaint—which alleged corrupt voting practices, sexual harassment and rape, racism, and gross conflicts of interest within the Recording Academy—a bunch of singers, songwriters, producers, television hosts, and famous people have gathered at Los Angeles’ Staples Center to get their picture taken and clap for a few hours.

Never mind the rampant voting fraud Dugan alleges in her complaint, including secret voting committees filled with board members who represent nominees for the categories they are voting on, or worse, the nominees themselves. Outside the Staples Center, meanwhile, thousands of mourners have gathered for Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gianna Maria-Onore Bryant, who were among the nine people that died in a helicopter crash this morning.

As for Dugan’s allegations, the Recording Academy claims everything is fine, and so, for the night, the gaggle of sequins-bound stars trudging down the red carpet will probably pretend it is fine too.

I’m chained to the sofa and ready to suffer! Here are the arbiters of the night, the ever-terribly dressed red carpet hosts, who insist on ruining my night before it even starts! Alleged fashion expert Brad Goreski donned pleather pants and loafers and a confounding leopard jacket…

…while People’s Choice award-winning podcast host Tanya Rad debuted a shocking spray tan and absurd yellow mermaid-fit gown and Cassie DiLaura attempted sequin. Erin Lim, meanwhile, wore an actually fun bit of white, goddess drapery! (Although, just a note—it would have been more dramatic if the cape cut off at the hip.)

Here are some good things: James Blake wowed me in this oversized Yohji Yamamoto blazer and palazzo pant, but it’s hindered by the various shades of mismatched black. He had the right idea though! (Bangs notwithstanding.) Nao wows in sheer sequins and some really fun hair accessories (rhinestones!) I’d also like to take a moment to shout out Steve Lacy for wearing Rick Owens on the Grammys red carpet. More of this, please!

Nikita Dragun’s sheer extravaganza was could have been interesting—I like the interpolation of bead sizes to give depth!—had the designer opted for a more true-to-skintone “nude” mesh. (You’d think textile makers would have fixed the gap in their production by now!) Jameela Jamil appeared in whatever the hell Jameela Jamil appeared in, only to find herself bookended by conflicting political messages: Megan Pormer rightfully called for the correct thing (although I wish it wasn’t so ugly) while the ever detestable and desperate Joy Villa advocated for….the usual mess…in pleather!

Blake Shelton and not-wife Gwen Stefani, who recently won a “fashion icon” award, look rather boring. And, despite the widely circulated memo, she’s still stepping out in Dolce & Gabbana. How sad! Josephine Relli looks fine, but the dress is too long. (Nice makeup though!) Thankfully, recent Grammy winner for Best Jazz Vocal Album, Esperanza Spalding, cleansed my pores and cured my fashion-induced anxiety. The tailoring is impeccable, the colors floor me, and the shoes are the perfect bookend to the ensemble.

I really hate how much this JoJo dress looks like Fashion Nova. (No shade to the Novahive, but this is the Grammys! Get this lady something to stunt in!) Roberta Flack looks glamorous as hell, Ozzy Osbourne continues to dress like someone impersonating Ozzy Osbourne, and Mereba’s green sheer dress is just ok—you really have to wow me if you’re opting for a bodysuit under mesh. Everyone, please hold my hand and chant with me: Bonnie Raitt! Bonnie Raitt! Bonnie Raitt! I don’t even care that there isn’t anything of note here. It’s Bonnie Raitt!

Here are some good things: Jo’zzy’s architectural blazer is just weird enough to wow me, Njozma’s hair bling is fun, and the dress fits her impeccably, and Andrew Watt’s powder blue co-ordinating suit set is the perfect, save for the shoes. Why do men always fail themselves with the shoes? .Ali Tamposi’s dress has the right idea, but the weird paneling and mis-matched sequins ruin it for me.

Dreezy looks INCREDIBLE! Gloria Gaynor is, as always, the most glamorous person in the room. And I’m incredibly disappointed in how predicable Rosalía’s red moment is. The fit is wonky and the fringe somehow makes it worse? Holly James dress looks like something I’ve seen before, and I still cannot tell what is happening with Justin Levine’s suit. I don’t hate it, but the pants should be matching!

After skipping last year’s ceremony, Ariana Grande has arrived. I’m hearing reports that attendees are still swimming out of her voluminous ruffles while chaos ensues on the carpet. The grey is actually a phenomenal color on her! But, unlike the color, this dress is so passé! Pierpaolo Piccioli must be stopped.

Billie Eilish is still dressed like Billie Eilish, which is a state of existence for the young star that neither delights or irritates me. What is left to say? Some people enjoy being dressed like a Gucci-encrusted circus clown and part-time magician! The tailoring on Brandi Carlile’s suit is stellar, and I appreciate that there is a matching vest instead of just a shirt. Also, more oversized collars please! And then of course there is Lil Nas X, in the usual yeehaw fit. I love it! I fucking love it. He and his team have had such an impact on fashion and music culture in general, and it continues to floor me.

Jazzmeia Horn is a breath of fresh air, LaShanna Moore and Gene Moore are here in blue, and I’d like Aymée Nuviola’s equally perturbing blue dress and capelet more if the latter wasn’t sheer. Ty Hunter wowed me in this massive coat, and Jetsonmade should have gone for something OTHER than a white sweater.

H.E.R., sans glasses, wow in this technicolor frock. I’m unmoved by Tyler the Creator’s attempt at theatrics, and FKA twigs looks simply divine. DIVINE! The styling, the fit, the flair, the SLEEVES—are you KIDDING ME, bitch? I’m shrieking!

Maggie Rogers looks fine, and I’d rather stop it there. Shawn Mendes, meanwhile, is boring as fuck. Are you kidding me, dude? If you’re going to insist on being around AND as famous as you are—wow me! Janina Gavankar’s dress is just whatever. Tim Rogers, meanwhile, showed up with a woman simply marked as “GUEST.” At least she got some sequins out of the experience!

Luis Fonsi and wife Águeda López look like husband and wife Luis Fonsi and wife Águeda López, Questlove looks impeccable, and Charlie Wilson looks fine!

Here are some photos from the Jonas Extended Cinematic Universe: Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner could be better, if they were wearing literally anything else. Together, the trio of Joe, Kevin, and Nick look like a cover band at a Reno hotel-casino. I’ve also been confounded by Priyanka Chopra–Jonas’s dress since it first blasted through my eyeballs and rocketed around the inside of my brain. I am, lost? Confused? Traumatized? I’d rather never talk about it again.

Brittany Howard matching ensemble is simply divine, and I appreciate the commitment to wearing shades on the carpet! Diplo continues to be an adult man who thinks he is a teenager, while Bebe Rexha took a break from her Lays sponsorship to show up without a shirt. Good for her!

Sad? Here is a photo of Billy Porter and his remote control hat. What else is there to say? Billy is a legend, and a true visionary on the red carpet. He ATE this look, and I will be full on it for decades to come. Orville Peck is also here, and I’m mostly unmoved. Remember Pia Mia? She’s here too.

And because I desperately need a bathroom break, here are some people: Ben Platt, Malina Moye, Stefan Benz, Kéla Walker, and Adrienne Warren.

Here is BTS. As famous as they are, you’d think their stylists would put them in something other than these boring trench coats and suits!

Here is Little Big Town. I like the dresses at least!

I like that Cyndi Lauper commits to her bit. Usher is still around in a befuddlingly bedazzled jacket. I wish we all dressed like whatever it is that Tanya Tucker is wearing. And Common? Well, the fit of this suit is surprisingly common!

Want to see something bad? Here is a photo of Lana Del Rey and her cop boyfriend Sean Larkin.

Here are some fun outfits, courtesy of Tank and the Bangas.

Unfortunately, I will be fining Camila Cabello, Shania Twain, and Billy Ray Cyrus for fashion crimes. Camila, you are richer and more famous than whatever this dress is. Shania? Please don’t ever wear a romper on the red carpet and think you can get away with it. And Billy? This is the Grammys. You are in JEANS, sir!

While not technically the red carpet, please enjoy this incredible photo of Lizzo performing while some randoms trickle in on the carpet.

Are Gary Clark Jr. and Nicole Trunfio among the hottest couple on the carpet tonight? Aba-solutely! His suit is divine, and while I normally detest ruffles and mesh, Trunfio brings the glamour! (And I kind of enjoy a funky fit and flare with a useless undercarriage!) Blac Chyna is dressed in something as tight and bright as ever, which is fine. I’ve also been looking at Swae Lee in variations of this outfit for a few years now. Sure, dude! But don’t feel scared to switch it up.

Hold my hand now, and scream with me: BIG FREEDIA! BIG FREEDIA! BIG FREEDIA! There’s simply nothing else to say. You want to bring the yeehaw agenda to the carpet? THIS is how you do it, bitch! My funky aunt Imogen Heap is wearing Tabis… so… uh… scream some more! And then there’s Dua Lipa. Listen, this look is tearing me apart. I wish it wasn’t a two piece, and that the top matches the bottom. But the styling is stellar! The hair is outstanding! The makeup divine! I guess you can never have it all, and Dua Lipa is proof.

Here is a photo of Alessandro Ambrosio, who is here I guess. Chrissy Teigen and John Legend are also here, and doing their typical John Legend and Chrissy Teigen thing. Remember Heidi Klum? She’s here too, as is Quavo!

Fuck, I love what Yola is wearing so much. It’s fun, it’s funky, it’s bright, it’s glamorous as fuck. More, please!

And then, we have the stragglers: Saweetie, Iggy Pop and Nina Alu, Lute, Lucky Daye, and Bonnie McKee. I’m neither wowed or saddened by these looks. In fact—I feel nothing at all! Are we done yet?

Because I am human, and my brain has melted, I missed YG, Mason Ramsey, Beck, Ella Mai, and Khalid. Sorry, y’all!”