American Horror Story’s Evan Peters has—what some might call—a smoking hot quality and new stills from the upcoming season of the series, American Horror Story: Hotel, suggest that his awooooga-ness remains intact. Peters, now gussied up like a 1930s casanova (more specifically, an evil casanova), is still a total babe.

But which of Peters’ American Horror Story characters is the babeliest? We turned to “science” (i.e. the science of subjective opinion) to painstakingly uncover which Evan Peters is the most boneable.

5. Fratkenstein (American Horror Story: Coven)

Fratkenstein, a.k.a Kyle from American Horror Story: Coven, was just alright. He seemed nice enough before he was a reanimated corpse, but he was also a frat boy, which is unappealing and lame. After he’s killed and put back together again, things get even more questionable. Resurrected Kyle is simple and thuggish like a neanderthal. Having sex with him seems, well, not morally wrong, but certainly like it’s toeing a line.

Advertisement

4. Lobster Claw (American Horror Story: Freak Show)

I have nothing against Lobster Claw Jimmy. I do have something against Freak Show, though—mostly because it was too boring to watch all the way through.

Advertisement

3. This guy (American Horror Story: Hotel)

What we know about him, according to Entertainment Weekly:

Like other seasons, AHS: Hotel’s time-frame bounces around, including flashbacks to the murderous Mr. [James] March. “He’s the builder and owner of the hotel from the 1930s, and he is unique,” says Peters. “He’s designed a hotel to cater to his specific needs, which tend toward the dark evil.”

Advertisement

To quote what I overheard Emma Roberts say that one time I saw her and Peters hanging out on the corner of Price and Mott Street, “Chill, chill, chilly McChill-chill.” (Yes! Their conversation did indeed sound very annoying!)

“Dark” and “evil” “specific needs” sounds gross and concerning, but, uh, cool mustache.

2. “Taaaaaaaaaay-yaaaate!” (American Horror Story: Murder House)

Advertisement

Ugh, this little emo freakshow. Let’s be clear. Tate did a lot of really awful, unredeemable, and unforgivable things, but it’s not like we KNEW about all that as we fell in love with him. That’s what big series finale reveals are for, right? To make you feel bad about the shaggy-blond bowl cuts that you’re attracted to? Right? Right?! (Please send help.)

1. Aliens Exist (American Horror Story: Asylum)

Advertisement

Kit Walker was sort of the opposite of Tate in that he’s actually a much better dude than the world thinks he is. He also has all the right moves.

And he shows his butt a lot.

Sure, we could examine why any of these characters—some of them blatantly evil—are considered attractive AT ALL, but it’s Friday, we’re talking about fiction, and, most importantly, I don’t feel like that sort of inward reflection right now. Instead, let’s focus on my recent discovery that Evan Peters’ Twitter handle is @tweetsonurface.

Advertisement


Contact the author at madeleine@jezebel.com.

Images via FX/Entertainment Weekly/American Horror Story.