Hollywood is in a weird place right now when it comes to awards show hosting. After Kevin Hart stepped down from his Oscars hosting gig last year following an outcry over homophobic tweets, nobody really seemed down (or had material clean enough to do it.) And so the show went on without a host and it was fine! Now this year’s Emmy Awards will also ditch the host, Deadline reports. Amy Poehler thinks it sounds cool.
But I have opinions about how a host-less awards show should ideally go down. And, no, I’m not talking about Sandra Bullock’s cursed Oscars idea, in which she suggested actors be picked at random from the audience to read off a teleprompter (though I continue to applaud her mind.) Instead, I think all awards shows should be hosted exactly like Love Island.
Love Island, the UK reality dating show that recently got an American installment, which I largely refuse to acknowledge, does not really have a host. The show’s host is technically TV presenter Caroline Flack, who rarely comes on, and when she does it’s usually to stir the pot by forcing the contestants to vote someone off the show.
Instead contestants, who must be “coupled” into pairs at almost all times with other eligible hotties on the show, are regularly given updates as to what they should be doing (going on dates, playing weird games that force them to make out with each other) via texts that they receive on their phones. They announce these texts, delivered at random to one person in the group, by screaming in a variety of English accents, “I’VE GOTTT-UH TEXXXT!!!” They tend to come with hashtags, like “Girls, tonight you’re all going out for a spicy dinner and must leave the boys behind to eat from dog bowls. #girlbosses #ladieslovedogs”
Can actors be trusted to find their way around an awards show without a goofy white comedian giving them directions and saying their name out loud to come to the stage? I’m not sure, it all seems so difficult. So why not shoot each of the hosts a text, or even the winners, when they’re needed! And then why not instead of a glamorous old theater, the Emmys gets hosted at a gorgeous Italian villa with a pool? And then all the celebrities have to couple up with one another and compete in a dizzying assortment of games, challenges, and heart-breaking re-coupling ceremonies that test their love for one another?
It’s just an idea, okay?