Everything Everyone Did Wrong On the Last Two Episodes of Looking

Looking is back and I totally missed it last week because I was busy scarfing carbs and not giving myself an enema. But no carbs in the world could keep me away from bingeing on the most recent episodes. So here’s how everyone fucked up now—except for Eddie—who wore the best muumuu in the world. Also Ceci: CECI GIVES ME LIFE.

Talking to the guy you’re cheating with about his relationship and how it’s going. Okay, so Patrick and Kevin are broken up now because Kevin wouldn’t tell his partner that he’s into Patrick, because why would he? Obviously Patrick hasn’t had any experience being here, though. It’s like he’s never even seen a movie in his life, so he spends almost every last moment of the every episode just sulking like an angry toddler.

Here is something you should have learned from every other HBO show, Patrick: The dude you are cheating with is never going to leave his partner. He’s also never going to tell you his relationship is great, because in comparison, it’s not. People wouldn’t cheat if there were no heightened emotions, and a lot of us really do miss the “falling in love” feeling that you get with someone new and don’t have with someone you’ve been dating forever. But it’s just never going to happen. I kind of feel bad for Patrick, but I also feel that, at 30, he has got to learn. He’s 30, right? Not 19?

Trying to remain friends with an ex. Especially when you have feelings for that ex. When Patrick and Kevin break up, Patrick is all about Richie again, who has moved on (here’s another way Patrick fucked up: He didn’t think that Richie would move on.) (Are you kidding me, Patrick? That dude is hot and wonderful and amazing. He is an angel and you, well…) Anyway, Patrick says he just wants to be friends, but then he’s all about trying to talk shit about Richie’s new boyfriend (Brady; adorable) and creating a romantic atmosphere. Dude, don’t try to stay friends with a dude you have feelings for. I have read Don’t Call That Man and the first rule of not calling that man is not calling that man. At this point I am beginning to like Agustin more than I like Patrick, because someone decided he was going to get a little character development while Patrick careened from unavailable dude to unavailable dude without ever consulting a therapist about his deep-rooted commitment issues.

Telling your ex about your affair. Oh, girl… if your friends feel sorry for you because you told them about the affair (if Agustin feels sorry for you), that means you probably shouldn’t be telling other people. Especially your ex who’s moved on. It’s just going to seem kind of pathetic? I think there’s a push in this show to show Patrick’s “honesty” as a good thing, but when he’s spilling everything to Richie—from the affair he had with Kevin to the fact that he was hooking up with Kevin while he was dating Richie—it just comes off as selfish. I’ve always been from the “don’t tell people things that will hurt them for your own peace of mind” school and I can honestly say that Patrick feels like he’s telling Richie this for his own good, but it’s really for Patrick to allow himself to feel like some kind of broken-down saint again. Uh-oh, I think we’ve gotten to the point in the season when I pause the TV and yell a lot, AKA “the most fun part.” (For me. Not for anyone watching with me.)

Trying to get back with your ex who’s with someone else in order to get over the guy who was cheating on his boyfriend to be with you. This is something that is actually happening in the show. Bad news. For everyone. (Yep, we’re getting to the angry spot in the season.)

Calling anything “over.” San Francisco is not over and I will cut anyone who says it is! You hear me, Groff? I take that personally! Also: Hipsters, SMH SMH.

Showing up to see someone without texting. OH MY GOD WE LIVE IN 2015. If you’re going to visit a sick friend, call them first Agustin. Speaking of Agustin…

I am really delighted by the character development he’s been receiving. When he first started working at the LGBT+ youth center, I thought he would immediately fuck it up, but it’s like someone finally flipped a human gene in him and now he is doing great and being cool and not judging others for their jobs or his own perceptions of them. That’s some growth and when he and Eddie were making out I actually found myself wishing good things for him. Maybe Patrick is going to be the villain this season. The sad, baby-faced, useless villain.