Game of Boners: Enter Stoneman

Belieb it or not, we take our television recapping pretty seriously at The Muse via Jezebel dot com. Our goal, typically, is not to simply regurgitate the plot of a television episode that you’ve already watched, but to talk about theme, how things fit together, and ideally provide some insights that you maybe haven’t considered before. With that in mind, the theme of last night’s Game of Thrones episode—“Kill the Boy”—was… me being bored.

Sure, a real theme was there: Everyone is leaving the past behind, accepting that things have changed, and attempting to move forward into uncharted territory with new and fragile alliances, but honestly, isn’t that the theme of practically every Game of Thrones episode? Jon Snow is breaking barriers (and little orphan boys’ hearts) by forming an alliance with the Wildlings (it’s not the first time he’s fought alongside them) and Daenerys Targaryen will marry into one of the wealthy families of Meereen, both for peace and political gain (this will be her second political marriage).

Jorah Mormont and Tyrion are quite literally exploring new ground (or new old ground, more accurately) as they sail through the ancient, abandoned kingdom of Valyria. It’s there that Tyrion gets his first look at a dragon and we get our first look at the Stone Men—humans so infected with greyscale that they were exiled from their homes and sent to an island where they’ve turned feral and violent. Turns out that living in Westerosi equivalent of a leper colony (if leper colonies didn’t have doctors or structure) has soured them a bit on visitors, leading them to attack Tyrion and Jorah upon their arrival.

The visual of the Stone Men and the ensuing battle was exciting, but not exciting enough to make me care that Jorah, upon touching one of his attackers, becomes infected with the highly communicable disease. In fact, I’d be entirely unmoved, except that I suspect that becoming a stone man will only make him talk even slooooower than he already does and I’m not sure if I can bear it.

At least we still have have Sansa and Ramsay Bolton’s impending nuptials to keep us on our toes. Ramsay, ever the sadist, is doing his best to emotionally torture his bride-to-be, but Sansa—having already been engaged to the literal KING of nightmare fiancés—can’t be bothered to give a fuck. “Do you think this is my first rodeo?,” her eyes say as Ramsay suggests that Theon—the man that supposedly killed her two youngest brothers— give her away at their wedding. For as whatever as Sansa seems, Roose Bolton is sick of Ramsay’s shit and takes some time to remind him just how replaceable he is as an heir. While I doubt the threat of a younger brother will make Ramsay chill out, it was still fun to see him sweat for a minute.

I don’t know. Maybe there have been so many character deaths on Game of Thrones that I’ve reached the point where, out of self-protection, I’ve detached from who’s left, maybe things have actually gotten more boring as the seasons progress, or maybe (most likely) Maddie Mama was too soused on her Cersei sauce last night to fully take the episode in, but no matter which answer is right and no matter how drunk I continue to be, something on this show has got to give. I expect the same out of Game of Thrones as I do my satanic sex parties (also scheduled for Sundays at 9 p.m.): More blood, more butts, and a whole lot less planning.

NUDITY COUNT

BREASTS: Two.

BUTTS: Two.

WIENERS: Zero.

VAGINA: Only the cusp.

DEATHS

ONE MAN, burned and devoured by dragons.

Image via HBO.