Game of Boners: The One With the Friends

I’lllllll be there for youuuu! When the “Rains of Castamere” starts to playyyy!

As far as Game of Thrones episodes go, the second episode of season five—”The House of Black and White”—was a pretty wholesome one! Not only was there relatively little violence (what’s a minor beheading after you’ve seen Oberyn Martell get his cranium literally squeezed open?) and nary a boner in sight, but it was also all about friendship and the power of an alliance. AW.

Some friendships were merely reaffirmed. A world-weary Arya, somehow still wearing the same outfit that she first put on when she was a full foot shorter, arrives in Braavos and is reunited with the faceless man who, for our purposes, we’ll refer to as Jaqen H’ghar. Arya and Jaqen saved each other’s asses several times back in season two and now that Arya’s been whittled down to nothing but resilience and a thirst for vengeance, Jaqen is ready to train her to become an expert and unrecognizable assassin.

Jon’s friendship with Sam serves him well when Sam nominates Jon as the new Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch and Jon wins. If there’s a lesson in this, it’s that constantly martyring yourself ONLY leads to success and popularity. Go ahead and try it in your own workplace. You’ll see.

Whether or not this will be good for Jon in the long run is TBD. Stannis Baratheon seems preeeeetty thirsty for him to pledge loyalty (even offering to legitimize Jon as a Stark and make him lord of Winterfell if lays his sword at his feet—finally: a good gay sex scene!) and, as we all know, the Night’s Watch is very clear about serving the realm, not a king. Stannis has never been particularly chill about people saying no to him and I can’t imagine this will change just because Jon is Commander of the Night’s Watch and has the silky curls and mournful pout of a beautiful, bashful shepherd boy.

Then there are the friendships that come as a surprise. While Brienne of Tarth has been nothing but annoyed with the presence of her steward Podrick, she’s pretty quick to sink her sword into the men who mean to do him harm. Of course, this is only revealed when they’re confronted by another new alliance. Sansa Stark, given the chance to escape with Brienne, decides that she’s quite comfortable sticking with Littlefinger, thank you very much. Sure, he might be a selfish old creep, but he’s her selfish old creep, you know?

Wait a minute…

A shitty black dye job, an ugly necklace made of chains and plastic, and a gross, much older boyfriend? Are we sure Sansa’s not a high school junior who works at Hot Topic? Is this the big twist? ATTN, George R.R. Martin: Please let me know if I’m right.

A friend in need is a friend indeed and no one is more in need right now than Daenerys Targaryen, who’s really making a mess of this whole queen thing. After a long day of executing a constituent, Dany is looking for a scaly shoulder to cry on when who should show up? One of her old dragon pals! Mhysa is moved and ready to pour her heart out, but the dragon is all, “Oh, sorry. I thought you were someone else” and flies off into the darkness. That’s the thing about friendship, I suppose. As much as we’d like to think that our friends are always there for us, they sometimes have better shit to do than listen to us complain about class warfare. (*clap clap clap clap*)

Boobs: NONE.

Butts: ZERO.

Vaginas: ZIP.

Dongs: NADA.

Deaths: Four Five in total. Three by the righteous blade of Brienne of Tarth, one Son of of the Harpy, and one beheaded by the sickle of Daario Naharis. RIP.

Images via HBO.