On Thursday, your virgin Bachelor and mine, Colton Underwood, appeared on The Ellen DeGeneres Show to “meet” three contestants from his upcoming season, which is scheduled to air on ABC in January. The ladies are certainly sweet and end-of-episode-blooper-reel ready (one woman, Sydney, offers the misremembered pickup line, “Hi Colton, did you just fall from heaven or are you an angel?”). But the real news nugget here is that Underwood might’ve been hiding an actual personality this entire time. Wow:
After watching him flop on Bachelor in Paradise and then kick off a press tour chock full of virgin jokes, I’d made up my mind that Colton, the 26-year-old former football athlete who is clearly too young to really need a lifelong partner, is, like, straight-up good ol’ American white boy wallpaper. And for the most part, he is. But I’m also a little bit wrong? I’ll admit to it.When Ellen goes in for the cheap fantasy suite joke, Underwood hits back with, “I’m looking forward to the fantasy suites,” pausing briefly for the audience to giggle, “because you can do more in the fantasy suites than just have sex. I mean, we can play board games. We can hang out.” Touchdown, bro!
To be clear: this is the most Underwood has ever spoken, ever—perhaps this is the result of some media training or maybe ABC has finally allowed him to talk—my bar is very low, but for the first time since his Bachelor crowning, I’m kind of excited to at least attempt to watch the new season. He also mentions dogs three times in his 10 minutes of air time and I just realized he looks hauntingly similar to Air Bud… That’s enough entertainment for me.