Xenu is coming to a TV near you.
The Church of Scientology—America’s favorite tax exemption—is launching a TV network, and you probably won’t be all that sorry to miss out on it (no matter how much Kirstie Alley encourages you to watch).
The network is set to air original reality TV shows and documentaries, featuring titles like Inside Scientology, L Ron Hubbard: In His Own Voice, Meet a Scientologist, Voices for Humanity, and Destination: Scientology.
With Jaden Smith-esque promos like “The only thing more interesting than what you’ve heard is what you haven’t,” Scientology TV is clearly hoping to coax curious channel surfers to hop on the Scientology train. Frankly, they need it: Scientology membership is allegedly on the decline, and the success of scathing exposés like Going Clear and Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath, as well as decreased public interest in religion overall don’t help. Scientology TV appears to be an expensive PR move in an attempt to save Scientology’s reputation of encouraging forced labor, separating families, and disappearing people.
But if Scientology TV really wants to be a success story, they’re going to have to move beyond bland offerings like Meet a Scientologist.
Nobody wants to watch this. We want to watch housewives yell at each other. We want to watch home renovations. We want to watch Joseline Hernandez. But if the Church of Scientology wants to stay more on brand, they can at least offer back-to-back airings of every movie from the Tom Cruise’s Mission Impossible franchise, with a smattering of John Travolta’s Saturday Night Fever and Grease thrown in. Or, they can air That ’70s Show, but cut out every scene that doesn’t include Scientologists Laura Prepon and Danny Masterson. Maybe some sultry musical interludes featuring Isaac Hayes? I swear to Xenu that any of the aforementioned suggestions will be a lot more entertaining than a Hubbard documentary.
Some other ideas from the Jezebel staff:
American Idol but where Thetans get to inhabit your soul
Fixer Upper but about cleaning Sea Org
Survivor but only Tom Cruise survives every season and when you get kicked off you’re sent to the torture shed
Real Time, but all the panelists are Scientologists
Shark Tank but pitches for leaving the church
Project Runway but all the outfits are a blue polo and black slacks
The Bachelor with Xenu as the Bachelor
You can watch Scientology TV on DirecTV and via streaming services such as Apple TV, Amazon Fire, or Roku. But also, like...don’t.