I have never successfully sat through an Avengers movie, most likely because my tolerance for superheroes and bad CGI and the lesser Chris (Pratt) is fairly low. However, all of this changed when I learned that Thanos, the star of Avengers: Infinity War, and I have a lot in common.
Described as an “intergalactic sociopath” by Netflix and probably everyone else who interacts with him, Thanos seems to be the kind of big purple rock man who gets what he wants the only way he knows how: brute strength, threats, and murder. “Thanos is coming,” Mark Ruffalo says, after crashing into a fancy library without his shirt on. “Bring me Thanos!” Thor yells in the middle of a climactic action sequence. Yes, bring me Thanos.
Thanos is in possession of two of the six Infinity Stones, which gives him the power to eradicate 50 percent of humanity. There are other stones — Time Stone? Space Stone? —whatever, Thanos has at least one of them, and is trying to get the other, so that he can do what it is he wants to do, which is reset humanity. From what I understand, “resetting humanity” is a gentle and rather kind rebrand of Thanos’s actual mission, which seems to be to kill people and wreck shit, which could potentially offset the ecological balance of Earth… But it is his intentions that I find so attractive.
I’ve made poor decisions about men in the past, but I am here to rectify them today: Thanos, the destroyer of the galaxies, has appealed to several of my senses, and I welcome him into my life.
As a man made of what appears to be discarded remnants of the AggroCrag from GUTS, Thanos is not terrifically attractive, despite what previous thirsty audiences suggest. He is a big-bodied man whose chin is striated for no real reason and seems like he would either have a very small penis or one that is too large. While it is not my intent to body shame an intergalactic sociopath who is also my current spring boyfriend, I would just like to say that I am not attracted to him for his big, hulking body. It is Thanos’s mind that I find so sexy—a mind that, much like mine, is intent on destruction for the greater good.
I love many people in my life (including Thanos), but it’s safe to say that humanity has done a fairly poor job in general. Walruses are hurling themselves off cliffs because of global warming; R. Kelly; a woman in Taiwan had sweat bees living in her eyes for months. Few things we’ve done here have been good, really, and what good has occurred is largely outweighed by the bad—especially because the bad is what will end up killing everything that lives anyway.
My proposition? Speed things up. To quote Emeril Lagasse, a man who resembles Thanos just a little bit if you squint, let’s kick it up a notch and readjust society right here and right now. It’s the fate we deserve.