In between playing Blackie Parrish on General Hospital and Uncle Jesse on Full House, John Stamos had a role in the little-known film, Never Too Young to Die. Stamos plays Lance Stargrove, a high school gymnast and son of a secret agent who enters the world of espionage himself when his father is killed by an “evil hermaphrodite” named Velvet Von Ragner, portrayed by none other than Gene Simmons.

Stamos and Simmons weren’t the only recognizable names attached to this strange film. Vanity, aka Denise Matthews (lead singer of Prince’s girl group, Vanity 6, and his former lover and protégée), won the role of secret agent and love interest Danja Deering. In a new interview with the Hollywood Reporter, Stamos recounts his first meeting with Vanity—whom Prince initially wanted to name “Vagina”—during a cast dinner. The Last Dragon actress “put her hand down my pants before the appetizers started coming out,” he said. “She completely seduced the shit out of me.” Behind-the-scenes HJs? Now this is the kind of thing that was missing in the Full House Lifetime movie.

The Grandfathered star told THR he thought this was his chance to be a “young James Bond” and took gymnastic lessons to get into the role, but the movie ended up tanking. It was hard to find in theaters back then and is still only available on VHS (a copy of which I own), but has since become a cult favorite. Stamos said he’s even made attempts to buy the film’s rights—something this Obsessed Fan, as well as other B-movie enthusiasts, would undoubtedly support. Shall I start a petition?

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There are so many moments of bizarre greatness in this film—Gene Simmons’s character trying to wreak havoc by poisoning the water supply; an extremely sexy scene involving Vanity, Stamos and a garden hose; Robert Englund making a brief appearance as a nerdy scientist who creates mutant goldfish; a death scene involving a very long fingernail. It’s very dystopian. Find out for yourself, though; THR found the film on YouTube in its entirety, so anyone who cares to bless their eyeballs with this glorious film won’t have to borrow someone’s VCR to see it.


Contact the author at marie.lodi@jezebel.com.

Image via Paul Entertainment.

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